Column:
'Everyman' can be a Guitar Hero
Published Sept. 28, 2007
Since the beginning of time, there have been questions and answers that define a generation. What is the meaning of life? Who shot JFK? And, how is bubble wrap made?
One question that is particularly baffling is simple: What does it mean to be a hero?
Is it walking an old crippled lady across the street? Or is it defeating the evil King Koopa and being greeted with the words, "Thank You! But the princess is in another castle"?
When I was little, heroes had names such as Spiderman, Wolverine and Superman. But then I learned that a hero doesn't have to have a Spandex costume. That raised another philosophical question: Is being a hero something that anyone can be?
Well, thanks to the newest craze in video game fashion, the "everyman" can be a hero. Thank you, Guitar Hero.
Let those crippled old ladies walk into traffic. Who cares? I'm too busy shredding the "Free Bird" solo on my mock Gibson SG guitar PlayStation 2 controller. Guitar Hero is so big that even people you wouldn't expect play it.
Here's a little-known fact: The pope himself was quoted as saying, "Guitar Hero? If they had that when I was a kid, I wouldn't have been in the Hitler Youth."
OK, so that's probably fake, but what's good journalism without some lying thrown in? You get the idea.
This game has caught on in so many cliques that the game is even played at church youth functions, but it seems that, from a church's stand point, anything that would teach young boys to grasp a long sturdy object and move their hands up and down it would be something they would try to keep out of youth groups. But thanks to Guitar Hero, now everyone can learn that there are other uses for that hand motion. And the best part is you don't go blind from playing with this thing.
Not only can everyone now play Boston's "More Than A Feeling" to perfection, but also we can all enjoy watching other people try to hit the rapid-fire orange notes on expert mode. Guitar Heroes are probably the coolest of all video-game nerds. It's true that the Dance Dance Revolution kids could probably beat them up by kicking their kneecaps in a strategic pattern, but you can't win 'em all.
The only problem with Guitar Hero is that after many hours of button mashing and swearing, the user will usually feel a kind of euphoric spinning and light-headedness from the scrolling notes flying across the screen. The headaches also come along with sharp pains in the left wrist. In the Guitar Hero world, this affliction is referred to as "Guitar-pal Tunnel Syndrome." In the real world, this condition is commonly known as Puss-itis.
So listen up, nerds of the world: Play your Halo 3 and your World of Warcraft. I will not judge you. But fair warning: the Night Elf that you have a crush on isn't really a girl. He's just another lonely guy in his basement with issues worse than yours.
Once again, I'm not judging you, though. Now, when I'm not playing rugby, you can find me huddled around the nearest Playstation 2 and/or Xbox 360 releasing my star power "all up on that bitch." I heard a guy use that phrase downtown; I'm just taking it for a test run.
Odds are I won't speak like that ever again. Anyway, for now, keep on truckin'. I really need new phrases.
Love, Ryan Beck.
rjbwbc@mizzou.edu