Column:

Useless items are a waste on campus

By Ryan Beck

Published Sept. 7, 2007

I often walk around on campus, and I can't help but think, "What a great investment." I could not imagine what this campus would be like without some of my favorite things on it.

For instance, the large mosaic Tiger Spot outside of Ellis Library in Lowry Mall. I guess you might be able to call it a mosaic, because most of the pieces are missing, and now it is just covered with some weird tarp. I'm sure glad they have roped that area off, though; I wouldn't want someone to walk over the pride of the campus. It is wonderful that we closed off that large circle covered in trash and bird poop. It really says something about how we feel about our school. It's like saying, "Look what we have Kansas. Take that!"

Regardless, none of this will matter when MU can finally reach that $1 billion mark they so desperately need.

"Why are we raising this money?" you say.

Think about it people: We need that money for ... stuff. Charging students the highest in-state tuition of any college in the nation is not enough. You know $1 billion might not be hard to find if we didn't spend those precious dollars on ridiculous items around campus, such as personalized MU waffle irons in Plaza 900.

Right, that is just what we need: a waffle with a Big 12 bias. It is really helpful to have a waffle that "reps" where it is from. That's what happens when I eat a waffle; I completely forget where I am and need to be reminded by my breakfast food.

"Oh yeah, I'm at MU. Thanks, waffle. You're delicious!"

What's next, tiger-striped bananas? How about Brother Jed-shaped gummy bears?

I sure am glad MU is building a new expansion to Brady Commons, though. I mean, nobody ever goes there as it is, right?

I can't even walk in there, because it is so gross. They should replace it immediately, even before they supply a better environment to learn in for the students. Now, that's how you prioritize.

I know I would rather eat greasy burgers on a fancy new feng shui sort of a table than be able to actually fit a piece of standard-sized paper on a tiny desktop in a lecture hall.

Another one of my favorite fallouts of our tuition money is all the penis sculptures on campus.

I don't care what you say, modern art is just wee-wees and baby-chutes. Or, for that matter, some other kind of sex deal. (Oh Ryan Beck, you're just suppressing homo-erotic thoughts, aren't you? Clearly no, voice in my head. The artist of the 18-foot-high metal cock statue though, definitely is.)

Anyhow, what is the deal with that big squished nail art thing by Stankowski Field? A tree or some nice shrubbery would be just as sufficient of a backdrop for me when I am trying to check out the girl walking 15 feet in front of me on her way to the Student Recreation Complex.

Does anyone actually like the modern art on campus besides the people that paid for it or made it? How about that ball and point thing in Lowry Mall? Is it a metaphor for creation or a literal interpretation of a game of pool gone terribly wrong?

I guess it's possible that those things represent "eternity" or some other yuppie nonsense, but the art is still made from things that would have looked much better as beer cans.

Love, Ryan Beck