Column:

Illegal aliens ruin country, steal jobs

By Charles Austin

Published Jan. 29, 2008

We here at The Maneater have a stringent system of checks and balances to ensure that every article is at least twice as fair and three times as balanced as anything you might see on FOX News — undoubtedly the fairest and most balanced news outlet besides the fine publication you now hold in your hands (or I guess see on your monitor).

That’s why today, I’m here to talk about an issue you won’t see covered by the blundering liberal media: we have a serious illegal alien problem in this country.

On Jan. 8, several dozen residents of Stephenville, Texas, simultaneously reported sightings of a large unidentified aircraft overhead.

According to eyewitness accounts, the Unidentified Airborne Vehicle That Didn’t Look Like Anything That Is From This Planet (or UAVTDLLATIFTP for short — surely there has to be a better abbreviation for this?) was flying low and fast and was unlike any vehicle they had ever seen before.

Ladies and gentlemen, I fear that our worst nightmare has come true.

These illegal aliens have swooped down to steal our jobs. As our nation plummets into one of the greatest economic crises in decades, these extraterrestrial entrepreneurs are dead-set on putting the hard-working average American out of work and into poverty.

According to an unnamed source (namely, myself), these illegal aliens are here to destroy the great American trucking industry.

Think about it. All the witnesses reported that the vehicle was flying abnormally fast, certainly faster than any Earth vehicle ever invented.

These aliens are offering farmers and manufacturers to deliver their goods around the globe at light speed — and for half the wages of an honest, hard-working, red-blooded, flag-waving, church-attending American.

When last I checked, the do — nothing liberal congress is taking no initiative whatsoever to combat this issue.

Celestial saucers are zooming across our borders left and right these days, and each new saucer sighting means yet another American is out of a job.

Maybe if our otherworldly visitors would start stealing a few jobs from all those fat cats up on Capitol Hill we might finally begin to see some progress!

One thing is clear, though. We should have listened to U.S. Rep. Tom Tancredo, R-Colo., back when Mexico was our biggest border breach concern.

These new illegal aliens are seeping in through the sky, many of them without official U.S. work visas and with little to no job training.

If we aren’t careful, they may even act as coyotes that beam Mexicans and­ — god forbid — even Canadians across the border, thus creating a fiendish border-hopping Axis of Evil. There’s only one solution: I propose a multi-trillion dollar translucent dome that encapsulates the entire continental United States, as well as the parts of Alaska where we can drill for oil.

This plan would solve nearly all of our nation’s problems simultaneously by keeping out those job stealing aliens, freedom hating terrorists and hockey loving Canadians all at once.

The only things standing in our way are all the crumb-bum politicians in Washington, but fret not; the time for change has come.

When you go to the polls this election year, vote smart.

Vote for a candidate who will pay mind to the cries of conspiracy from his constituents.

Vote for a candidate who vows to put these alien fiends behind a multi-trillion dollar border dome.

Vote for a candidate just crazy enough to free this country from its incoming alien oppressors.

I guess what I’m saying is, vote for Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas.