Column:
Future graduates fear future without fun
Published Oct. 10, 2008
My friend James recently developed a nasty habit where he starts every sentence with, "Man, this is the last time I'll..." James, as you might have guessed, is an MU senior and he is already experiencing what I like to call "pre-graduation withdrawal."
Imagine a crackhead who somehow knows he will be forced into rehab in a couple months. He becomes inexplicably downtrodden in the days leading up to his rehab date because he knows that after each high, he is that much closer to not being able to smoke again.
That's kind of how James has been lately (except he doesn't smoke crack). On the way back from our fraternity's semiformal, he continually said, "Man, I just can't believe this is my last semiformal."
This has been going on for a while now and I can't see things improving for him. In fact, I've really started to empathize with my friend because even as a junior, I'm still more than halfway through my college experience already. That's ridiculous! What happened to Summer Welcome and all those college visits from three years ago? I returned from the MU-Nebraska football game last week and all I could think about was how that would be the last time I could root for MU in Lincoln, Neb., as an undergraduate student. It's pathetic to think about, but it's true!
I know way too many recent MU graduates who now either have full-time jobs or are drudging through graduate school. Every single one of these graduates has told me essentially the same thing: Enjoy college while you can because the real world is a bitch. I guess they have a point: The economy is less stable than O.J. Simpson's mind, they have to pay all their bills, they're probably facing pressure from various people in their lives to find a spouse and have kids and, worst of all, they don't get to party and socialize whenever they want without dire consequences the next day.
Hearing this prognosis of post-graduate life scares the hell out of me. I already know I'm going to be like James next year, except maybe worse. For example, I'll say stuff like, "This is the last Oct. 10 I'll be able to hang out with my friends." There's really no limit to pre-graduation withdrawals.
Therefore, I propose that MU administrators institute a transition program for college graduates. It can be similar to a halfway house that jailbirds live in for a while after being released. Shortly after graduation, the student will spend some time at home and be congratulated by family members and maybe go on a vacation. When this honeymoon period is over, the student will have the option to move into College Transition Housing.
This housing will be located about 10 minutes from campus (you don't want to be too close; that would be creepy.) and all sorts of recent graduates will live there. These residents would pay a slightly higher fee than they would in a similar residence across town, but they would receive extra benefits such as "No Cover at Harpo's" coupons, "Kegger Fridays in the Common Room" and job placement services (but nothing too serious yet). Residents will be welcome to stay for up to three years. By then the transition should be complete.
I know detractors of my idea will say, "Just grow up and get a damn job," but these bill-payers and child-raisers are just extremely jealous. James, start making some calls.