Column: Not all behavior is fun to watch

By Andrea Fuhrer
Oct. 10, 2008

I don't know about you, but I love to people-watch. I people-watch during lecture classes and when I'm walking around campus. I'm a complete Facebook stalker. It's like I have a sixth sense for relationship status changes and photo updates. I even spy on people out my window with binoculars. (Just kidding neighbors! But don't put it past me. I recommend you keep your shades drawn.) Sometimes people watching can yield adorable cliché moments, like a cute little elderly couple holding hands, a chubby little baby who smiles at you or a clumsy puppy chasing butterflies. But naturally, I never get to see those heart-warming people watching moments. Instead, I get this:

1. Public displays of affection. Now, I'm no prude. I can tolerate handholding, hugging and maybe the occasional peck on the cheek. But when I have to sit behind couples who, throughout an entire lecture, gaze lovingly into each other's eyes, kiss every 10 seconds and nuzzle each others necks under the guise that they're "whispering," I find myself unable to focus. Instead, I end up staring them down, hoping that one of them will turn around so that I can give them a mildly disgusted look that would embarrass them just enough to make them keep their paws off of each other.

2. Know-it-alls. I can't stand those people who answer every single question in class just to hear themselves speak. Especially because half of what these kids say makes absolutely no sense because they often sprinkle their comments with big words in an attempt to sound intelligent. I spend a good portion of my class time (the time not already dedicated to staring at PDAs) wondering if anyone would notice if I threw my water bottle at these people, knocking them out cold and therefore rendering them incapable of opening their mouths. I mean, you know you're going overboard when the professor doesn't even want to call on you anymore, so look into buying a tape recorder or switching classes. Either option is fine with me.

3. Bizarre body movements. You know, those people who constantly jiggle their legs, tap their feet and twiddle their thumbs. Or, my personal favorite, the girl in one of my lecture classes who feels the need to nod her head enthusiastically every time the professor speaks. It's as if every comment she hears is the most deeply intriguing statement ever. "The five fault lines in journalism are class, race, geography, generation and gender." Nod, nod, nod. "We're going to have a guest speaker today." Nod, nod, nod. "I'm going to set the classroom on fire and lock you all inside." Probably a nod, nod, nod.

4. Excessive multi-taskers. I'm all about multi-tasking - I even like to eat snacks while I'm exercising. But it irks me to no end when I see people walking around campus listening to their iPods, texting on their phones, drinking their Starbucks, picking their nose and God knows what else. This bugs me because these are always the people who force you to dive out of their way to avoid a collision. They can't hear, aren't watching, have their hands full and can't even sniff out oncoming traffic due to the finger jammed up their nose. OK, so I'm kidding about that part, I don't actually see people picking their noses on campus. One of these days, I plan on plowing into one of these multi-taskers just to teach them a lesson.

So, MU student body, you've been warned. I'm watching your every obnoxious move and if you're not careful, you might find a water bottle flying toward your face.

Oh, and P.S., to my neighbors: Please stop walking around in your underwear. Thanks.

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Column: Not all behavior is fun to watch

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