Column: Organized stupidity can teach lessons

By Jacob Houska
Oct. 10, 2008

In Kansas City, if your bathtub has four legs that look like animal paws, you're committing a crime. In Marceline, if you're under 18, you can buy rolling papers and tobacco, but not a lighter. In St. Louis, if you're a milkman, it is illegal to run while you are on duty. In University City, it is illegal to own a PVC pipe.

And in Columbia, the laws might not be a joke, but more of the same nonsense goes on. I have seen books stolen, fraternity houses robbed and my roommate Shaun Smith maced in the face for no reason by the Columbia Police Department.

People do stupid things and they often don't understand why. But every once in a while organized stupidity can teach a lesson. If you're going to be dumb, you might as well be smart about it. Here's what I have in mind:

We need to make every professor attend class with a hangover and not just a little I-have-a-headache hangover - I'm talking the whole shebang. They should need a bottle of Pepto-Bismol, four ibuprofens and a bottle of water just to gain the strength and confidence to stand up. Maybe then they would ease up on the Friday pop quizzes and work with us instead of against us.

We need to change the name of "Blackboard" to "Multiculturalboard." People would realize how ridiculous the racism witch-hunt has gotten and would h opefully re-think their ways. And maybe they'd let the Kansas City Chiefs and Washington Redskins keep their names.

We need to make everyone on campus ride a bicycle to class. That would help me, if no one else. If I had a dollar for every time I wanted to jam a stick into a biker's front spoke and watch them nervously face-plant on the concrete, I would have at least $17.

We need to make it mandatory to own a fake ID. Everyone would relax about the drinking age and realize it's more of a suggestion than a law.

We need to make everyone have student loans to pay off. Maybe the greedy Cashiers Office and stingy scholarship department will understand that they are doing undue damage to my wallet.

We need to turn in an identical paper to three different teacher assistants and watch them return with three different grades. I once knew two people who copied identical homework. One of them did problem one, the other did problem two, and they both copied number three from a mutual friend. So, in essence, they had the same exact homework. Student one received a four out of 10, and student two received a seven out of 10. If a teacher's assistant saw this problem, they would hopefully work to change it.

We need to force whoever is in charge of hiring teachers to try a class with a teacher who barely speaks English. If that happens, maybe next year's freshmen won't be as confused as I often was.

If all these things are done, we might all look like idiots, but at least it might have a positive affect in the long run.

Either way, it'd be fun to watch.

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Column: Organized stupidity can teach lessons

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