Column:

I've got skills to fill any job

By Andrea Fuhrer

Published Oct. 16, 2008

I need a good ol' J-O-B. Really B-A-D. I understand (I use the word "understand" very, very loosely here) that the U.S. is in a bit of a financial crisis at the moment, and work is a little harder to come by. But the many employers in Columbia need to understand that my bank account is having a bit of a financial crisis as well. And no matter how many applications I fill out, these silly businesses keep turning me down. So unless someone wants to bail me out of my pending financial debt, I would appreciate receiving a job offer.

So for entirely self-serving reasons, I've decided to exploit my weekly column to share with you the following list of some of my most impressive work-related qualities. Please feel free (and by that, I mean obligated) to share them with any and all hiring establishments.

1. I'm extremely flexible. And it's not just my schedule I'm talking about. I can also touch my toes and do the splits. I can contort myself to fit into small spaces. So, if you drop a pen behind your desk and you just can't seem to reach it, you'll be thankful you hired Andrea Fuhrer.

2. I'm not the most talkative person in the world. I can turn on the charm when I'm speaking to customers, but I will never be that annoying chick who tells you her life story over your lunch break when all you really want to do is enjoy your damn sandwich. This quality alone is so valuable, I'm considering including it on my next résumé.

3. I've got mad skills. I can touch my nose with my tongue. I can do a back flip. I can French braid my own hair. How do these skills benefit you, future employer? I've got no idea. You're the business people, it's up to you to capitalize on all of this untapped talent.

4. I bathe on a (semi) regular basis. You'll never have to worry about me being the token smelly employee that no one wants to work with. And I wear deodorant too (bonus points!).

5. I've got no real social life. You'll never have me calling in sick because I've got a hangover from the night before (unless it's an ice cream hangover). Is that because I can handle my liquor like a pro? No! It's because, chances are, I spent the previous night watching reruns of old sitcoms because there was nothing exciting to do. Hooray for unintentional responsibility!

6. I'm an early bird and a night owl. Unlike most young people, I can be fully-functional before 8 a.m. Two, six or 10 hours of sleep are all the same to me. I'm quite the anomaly. I have no real sleep requirements, making me a huge asset to you and your business, future employer.

7. I will work for very little pay. I do require that my paychecks be in actual dollar amounts, not in fast-food coupons or home cooked meals, but I'm willing to work for minimum wage. Plus, not only can you acquire cheap labor by hiring me, I can guarantee that I am a United States citizen and will cause you no future legal problems.

I know my qualifications are impressive, possibly even a bit intimidating, and I realize that the businesses who have passed up the opportunity to employ me are now feeling a huge sense of regret and embarrassment.

But once sufficient time has passed, I know the embarrassment will subside. And then I expect I'll become quite the hot commodity. And then I'll finally get some job offers. Lots and lots of job offers.