Column: Bus to and from campus an uncomfortable adventure

By Andrea Fuhrer
Oct. 2, 2008

I have a lot of pet peeves. It irritates me when guys leave the toilet seat up, I'm not a big fan of tardiness and I hate it when people snuggle in class.

But lately I've found a brand new pet peeve that trumps any other: I absolutely loathe public transportation.

While I seriously doubt there is a person out there who finds immense joy in taking the bus, I'd argue that I hate riding the bus more than anyone else. Every morning I grow less and less excited to lug my books out to the bus stop and stand on the corner waiting like a well-educated prostitute. Pretty soon I won't be able to face the day knowing that a big, blue, smelly bus is looming in my immediate future. And when, eventually, I'm forced to drop out of school and actually earn my living as a prostitute, that bus will haunt my dreams forever.

Okay, so I may be exaggerating a little. But relying on public transportation to and from class each day really sucks.

The horrors of the bus begin way before I reach the bus stop. I don't know if you've ever tried to make it across campus in ten minutes, but let me tell you, it's pretty damn tough. So when I get out of class at the School of Journalism, I'm on a mission to make it to that bus before it leaves. And if you get in my way, God help you, because I will run you down. And I have no time for remorse, because the bus doesn't wait for apologies.

Once I reach the bus stop, panting and wiping gallons of sweat from my face, it's time for the sneak tactics. If you've ever waited on a bus, you know what I mean. Since there are approximately 2,000 people waiting on a bus that seats 200, you need to get to the front of the pack pronto. But you can't be too direct about it; instead, you must nonchalantly edge your way to the spot directly in front of where the bus will stop. I suggest pretending to talk on your phone - for some reason people tend to accept that this causes you to mosey.

Once that big blue bus is within view, all polite behavior is off. It's a kill-or-be-killed situation. I may be a small girl, but I will not hesitate to push you into the path of a moving vehicle to ensure myself a seat on the bus.

After that animalistic battle, the long, unpleasant wait begins. There are a lot of gross people in the world and for some reason they all like to take the same bus as me. I've had more jiggling fat rolls and exposed butt cracks in my face than I can count, and one traumatizing bus ride exposed me to a boy with a fingernail fungus so disgusting that I had to spend the whole ride home concentrating on not vomiting.

And naturally, during the course of this waiting period, while I'm praying that no one farts in my general direction, some incredibly hilarious guy in the back of the bus always has to yell something witty like, "You have to push the gas pedal." Because clearly, the reason that the bus hasn't departed yet must be that the bus driver forgot how to make the bus move. If I ever find myself driving a bus and some guy makes a smart-ass comment like this, I plan on waiting as long as possible before leaving, just to spite him.

And when my bus ride ends, I run to the comfort of my apartment like that damn bus is chasing me.

Next time I drive, I'll have to remember to stop, kiss my car and give thanks for it first.

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Column: Bus to and from campus an uncomfortable adventure

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