Column:

Charles Austin goes conservative

By Charles Austin

Published Oct. 20, 2008

Greetings, beautiful Maneater readers. It's me again, the paper's designated conservative columnist. I've been called in to meet the minimum requirements for fairness and balance, to bring a single ray of reason and intellect to this otherwise uninformative, ignorance-drenched, vapid, rancid, insipidly uninspiring, poor excuse for a liberal rag.

With the economy in shambles and the election just around the corner, I've noticed that there's one recurring question on all my readers' minds. "What's been going on in your personal life lately?" they wonder.

Well, with only two weeks until Republican candidate John McCain wins the presidential election, I've been busier than ever brushing up on my moose-hunting terminology and poring over tentative National Hockey League rosters for next season. You see, when future Vice President Sarah Palin sits down with me in her exclusive Maneater interview, I want to dazzle her with my worldly ways. But next to Vice President Palin, I'm sure my knowledge will still "pale in" comparison! Hahaha! That was a pun, dear readers. But don't be alarmed; I haven't succumbed to the partisan hackery of the liberal late night comedy circuit.

You see, following last week's eye-opening exposé on Barack Hussein Obama's plan to turn America into an Islamo-fascist gay bathhouse (a story the biased liberal Maneater editorial staff refused to run, mind you), I figured we would take a week to have some good lighthearted fun. I asked you, my incredibly attractive, patriotic readers, to send in your best jokes, and boy did you deliver! Our first joke comes to us by way of Clint Foster, a gun aficionado and lifelong Charlton Heston fan from Aberdeen, Miss.:

Q: What do you call a Hell-spawned fiend that has descended upon the Earth to wreak havoc upon God's bountiful gifts, defile His divine laws and murder His unborn children?

A: A liberal.

Ain't it the truth! This next joke was submitted by Linda Meriwether, a mother and home-school teacher who kept all 13 of her children free from the corrosive, mind-deteriorating venom administered through the American public school system:

Many years from now, the pope dies (God bless his soul) and finally ascends to Heaven. As he makes his way into the gates and beyond, he notices that Heaven is just as he imagined. No one is quarrelling, there is complete and utter peace. The pope finally comes face to face with Jesus himself, and the two strike up a conversation.

"Wow," says the pope, "It's so peaceful. I can't believe it. How is this all possible?"

Jesus smiles and says, "Simple. No liberals in sight."

This next knee-slapper comes to us from Trent Weiland, a flag-waving, red-blooded, American-flag-lapel-pin-wearing oil tycoon from Waco, Texas:

Q:  

A:  The Devil.

This last little number comes to us from Horace Jackson, a jail warden out in Lubbock, Texas, who loves death and hates taxes.

Q: What are the only two certainties in the life of a liberal?

A: Tax hikes and death before the third trimester.

Well, that's all the time we have for this week. Join me next week as I expose the liberal conspiracy to give out free abortions to Sen. Barack Obama's two largest key demographics: gay people and domestic terrorists. And I begin my countdown of the 10 biggest reasons why Sen. Obama hates America. The answers might surprise you!