Column:

Columnist 'attacked' for support of MSA candidate

By Charles Austin

Published Oct. 27, 2008

My fellow students, I come to you today with a heavy heart. This weekend, after putting in a few hours at a call center for the Joe Fessehaye/Lindsey Abell campaign for Missouri Students Association president and vice president, I was attacked by a vicious Jordan Paul/Colleen Hoffmann supporter.

You see, I had just left the call center (that day I was making calls to residents of Denver - a city where Jordan Paul currently has a 5 point lead) and I went to the ATM afterwards to withdraw a large sum of money, which I intended to squander on illegal gambling on sporting events. It took me a while to find the ATM, because every inch of my car is covered in bumper stickers declaring my support for the Fessehaye/Abell campaign. I have to drive with my head out the window, because my entire windshield is covered in bumper stickers.

Anyway, once I finally found the machine, my car must have caught the attention of a disgruntled Paul/Hoffman supporter. After withdrawing nearly $200 from my checking account (in the interest of transparency, my pin number is 2058), a man about nine feet tall approached me, grinning menacingly and brandishing a knife. He had a parrot on his shoulder, and the parrot was wearing an eye patch, and that parrot had a smaller parrot on its shoulder.

The man had 100 eyes, like the giant Argus in Greek mythology. He had blood all over his clothes, probably from the last person he killed. And, worse yet, his shirt featured a very prominent picture of a University of Kansas Jayhawk. He told me to give him all of my money and, when I refused, he punched me in the back of the head, knocking me to the ground. He continued to punch and kick me, while his parrot pecked at my eyes and the smaller parrot jeered and said mean things to me that hurt my feelings.

"We're going to teach you a lesson for being a Fessehaye/Abell supporter," the comically small parrot said.

Then, the man took his knife and put it to my face, carving the letter "J" and declaring, "You are going to be a Jordan Paul supporter."

Clearly, I was distraught after this incident. When the police arrived and said I should go to the hospital, I cordially declined. I knew that I needed to get home as quickly as possible (after stopping for a few photo ops) so I could write this column and expose the corrupt practices of the Paul/Hoffmann campaign.

My friends, Jordan Paul doesn't believe in the same MU that you and I do. What kind of man with true school spirit pals around with giants and parrots wearing eye patches and KU shirts? Is this a man who is really fit to govern? I went on Facebook to investigate Jordan Paul's ties to potential terrorists or KU students, and what I found shocked me. And it may shock you, too, my friends.

Jordan Paul only allows people to see his limited profile on Facebook. What is he hiding from us? I don't think it would be unfair to say that he's probably a friend to nearly the entire student body at KU, and to Bill Ayers, as well.

Jordan Paul's limited profile says two things about him. One, he's an elitist. Two, he has ties to people that he doesn't want us to know about. My friends, is this someone we can trust to run the Missouri Students Association? When you go to the polls to vote for MSA president this November, make sure to ask yourself the question, "Just who is Jordan Paul?"