Column:

Celebrating Nov. 2's other significant distinction

By Dieter Kurtenbach

Published Nov. 3, 2008

You thought this was another election column, didn't you?

Alas, I will end my political opinion career now that elections are over and discuss another incredibly significant distinction that marked Nov. 2.

I consider Nov. 2 a personal holiday, a celebration of manhood, of brawn. For it was on Nov. 2, 2005, that the last great American hero showed men around the world how to exactly be men. Needless to say, the majority was doing it all wrong.

It was on that fateful day that Wayne Goldsberry, a simpleton from Rogers, Ark., was in his daughter's home just working on the computer. Little did he know that forty minutes later he would change manhood forever.

Wayne was called to action by the sound of a window shattering in the home. Goldsberry, without hesitation, jumped up to see what the ruckus was all about. It was then that Wayne came face to face with his enemy - his Shao Kahn from Mortal Combat II, if you will. Wayne stared him down, sizing up the competition, and saw five points and four legs, but was not fazed. As an avid hunter, our hero knew all about deer, and he knew that this was some sort of higher calling, a mission; Goldberry would have to wrestle that five point buck, there were no two ways about it.

The details of the actual battle were sketchy, but we do know a few things. The deer jumped on the bed like a sprite, tearing up the thin walls of the home in the process. Wayne had no choice but to put a stop to these shenanigans before they went any further. Some might ask why Wayne wouldn't just call professionals to take care of this Cervidae problem, and it's because Wayne Goldsberry is a professional. A professional badass. Why call anyone else?

Goldsberry chased down the wild buck in the master bedroom and engaged the wild creature in battle. Video evidence does not exist, probably because the camera exploded from the awesomeness it at one point captured. At a theoretical halftime of the battle, Goldsberry walked out of the room, battered and bloody, to alert his wife to call the police. This was most assuredly not to have the police come and take care of the problem; Wayne had the buck on the ropes and just wanted the cops to show up to be witnesses to the masculinity that was the battle.

After 40 minutes our hero had the buck pinned and ended the struggle with a sharp, clean snap of the neck. The room was filled with blood and brawn as Goldsberry met with the police to assure them that he had full control of the situation. He then put the kill in the back of his truck to take to a friend who could butcher the deer for Wayne.

Wayne Goldsberry is a hero for man, and so I and other members of manhood gather together on Nov. 2nd of every year to celebrate Wayne Goldsberry's actions and legacy. It's a sort of manhood New Year, a time to reflect on all the ways we could have been more masculine and celebrate the times we followed in Wayne's footsteps by staring our obstacles directly in the eye, assessing them quickly, and engaging in strenuous battle with them, only to emerge the victor. So as we go along our days, we should all follow the lead of Wayne Goldsberry, because every day, even for only fleeting seconds, we have chances to be heroes. Most of the time we shy away from these opportunities, but I encourage everyone, no matter what ethnicity, sex, persuasion or ability, to do as Wayne Goldsberry would do when obstacles arise - be a hero.