Column:

Stimulus bill won't boost Bush in polls

By Ryan Beck

Published Feb. 15, 2008

Food is expensive. I recently bought a pound of Colby Jack cheese for $8, but this isn’t me talking about nothing again, this fun food fact is quite relevant. President George Bush just signed an economic stimulus plan into effect last Wednesday in hopes of boosting the overall growth of the economy, which only grew by 0.6 percent over the last year, in turn lowering the cost of cheese. Let me repeat that for some of the disgruntled readers who might not have understood what I just said — the president, his name is George, signed a bill — remember that Schoolhouse Rock song? This bill will create more spending after tax returns — that’s fancy talk for “buyin’ stuff” — and help create that surplus Americans were all so fond of in the ‘90s. The bill also creates tax breaks for many senior citizens with poor or no health insurance. And you know those old people; they love their medicine. When I’m that age I’ll be eating antacids out a candy dish. Why? Just for fun. I’ll drink a lot of Pepsi, too, and see what happens. I’ll be old; what the hell do I care?

Being a poor college student, like many of you, I need two basic things: food and gasoline. Sometimes its necessary to choose which I can afford to buy that day. I can only imagine how difficult the recent economic slide has been on true American heroes like our nation’s single parents and members of struggling households.

Now, I haven’t been President Bush’s biggest fan. I supported him in the immediate months following 9/11, but when that haze of patriotism washed away, I started once again to question his moves. The terrorist act of 9/11 was atrocious. But the surplus in patriotism and care for fellow human beings that followed was merely an act of a guilty American conscience. Action to feed the hungry, clothe the naked and house the poor ceased once the people of this nation no longer had that lump in their throat known as patriotism. Same thing happened immediately following Hurricane Katrina. Don’t believe me? Tell me where the plastic flags on your lawn and car are now. Trash can? That’s what I suspected. There are some phenomenal organizations that legitimately care for people. To those real charity groups: Keep up the good work.

Now like I said, I have not been an avid Bush supporter, but this stimulus bill will go down as maybe the only thing “Dubya” did that was well-thought-out and addressed a problem. Sadly, and I feel for him here, the next president will be accredited for the results of this bill. The bill will take two years to heed any visibly results, but in economic terms, that’s a great response time. Yes, President Hucka-bama-cai-nton will bask in the glow of this bill’s effects. President Bush will be blamed for any complications that occur as troops are pulled from Iraq and inevitably moved back into Afghanistan. Bush’s legacy will be thought of in the same light as Hoover and we all know what he did (made vacuums? Not quite). Plainly, Hoover sucked. (Pardon the pun.) No matter what George does from here on out, he is going to be known as a sub-par president, even if he turns the nation around, as he is attempting to do with this bill. Everybody deserves to hear it sometime: Good job George.

Unfortunately, the cost of my grilled cheese sandwich will continue to increase with the current value of the dollar shrinking faster than the male apparatus after a cold swim.