Column:

Clemens would fit as politician

By Rachel Kaufman

Published Feb. 19, 2008

I’m going to take a break from campaign talk and discuss an aspect of politics that really matters in life. This isn’t going to be about the war or abortion because those issues aren’t important or controversial enough compared to this national conundrum. Plus, the average American already has his or her mind made up on his or her position regarding major political issues.

What I’m going to discuss is truly an American dilemma — so much so that Congress has taken a large chunk of time and money to investigate this issue. Ready? Here we go: Did Roger Clemens ever take steroids?

This must be a big deal to be covered in every national paper; and not just in the sports section, either. I’m talking about front-page coverage, here: CNN tickers, C-SPAN. It hit the big-time. I’ll preface this tirade by saying that I am from Houston, and baseball is pretty much my significant other. I saw Clemmy play for three seasons in my city. I saw him pitch my home team to the 2005 World Series. I paid the extra money for a ticket on a day that Clemens was pitching. I saw the Astros bend to his every diva-like whim, and one of the happiest days of my life was when he didn’t resign with the ‘stros. The Yankees deserve a man like that, as does the entire American League. But I was under the impression that Clemens retired (four or five times) and that was that. But no, it’s not over. It’s never over because Roger Clemens has an abscess on his butt, and Congress needs to know why.

Quite frankly, I’d like to know why, too. Why does anyone care? Did he do steroids? He said no, and that’s good enough for Rep. Dan Burton, R-Ind., who said at Wednesday’s hearing on Capitol Hill that he did not trust Clemens’s trainer Brian McNamee.

“I don’t know what to believe. I know one thing I don’t believe, and that’s you,” Burton said. “Roger Clemens is a titan in baseball.”

Seriously? I know baseball is supposed to be the all-American sport, but there are just some things that politicians should stay away from — interns, public bathrooms and Major League Baseball.

And if they make the great leap from talking about policy issues to MLB rules, at least be intelligent about it.

And while we’re discussing the crossover between American pastimes and American government, we should mention that Clemmy spent the week prior to his he said/he said courtroom funfest by lobbying Congress to believe him and not McNamee. This again, is coming from the man who said he was retiring from baseball in 2003. And in 2004. And 2005. And 2006. And now, we should believe him because he’s a titan and has seven Cy Young Awards and a few World Series rings.

Assuming Clemens is now officially done playing baseball at age 68, I can see a career in politics in his future. Think about it — he has the look, he has the rhetoric, he has the trustworthiness and he has the blind admiration of America. What more could you ask for in a national leader?