Column:

Environmental awareness is just a start

By Ryan Beck

Published Feb. 22, 2008

As a follow up to my last article: I do not believe the President’s new bill will fix the economy by any means. But it ensures that my tax bracket will immediately get about $50 more than was what originally expected. That’s why I say “cheers” to the bill because ultimately it will fund a night at the bar for the average American.

I feel like along with being a young person there is some kind of inherent responsibility to be freewheelin’ like Bob Dylan himself and care about some kind of cause. The pressure to be involved in something seems so great on us. Just look at those people hustling you for change to support multiple sclerosis research. They make me feel so guilty; I can’t help but give them my nickels. The homeless should take a page out of their book.

In my mind, it was just another Tuesday. One lovely day over winter break, the sun was out, the sky was blue, and a thought crossed my mind, “There’s no need to be concerned, it’s always 70 degrees in January.”

I’ve come to find out that it is quite the opposite. Actually, January is supposed to be a cold month. The next day there was a tornado and in the midst of crying in the basement I remember thinking, “This is the apocalypse. Yesterday, I was out playing some pick-up soccer, and now the sky is falling.”

Clearly, something is wrong with the weather. The storm ended and I realized it was not “Apocalypse Now” but rather apocalypse ... eventually. This is why we need to get involved and change something. Global warming might or might not be real. I’m no Al Gore, but it appears the Earth’s temperate zones are moving around at a slow but drastic rate.

“But Ryan, if the Earth was moving wouldn’t we feel it?”

On the contrary, my dear. Did you know that the earth is actually spinning right now as you read this? Blew your mind just now, didn’t I? Well, it’s true. Bill Nye told me so. Also, it’s round; sadly Christopher Columbus did not fall off the edge. I think that would have made a better story anyhow.

Now it’s February, and it’s so cold that my manhood has since gone into hibernation and receded so far up for warmth, it looks like I have three Adam’s apples. Try looking stylish when all you can wear are turtlenecks.

It’s possible that our nation can change this situation, yet people are more concerned with lesser issues like “them damn illegals” and how gay marriage is immoral. Environmental issues take a backseat. I guess the government feels that if they worry about something like steroids in baseball then everyone will forget about the slumping economy and all of the people dying (on both sides) in the Middle East.

As far as what any of us can do to fix the environment, I got nothing. Awareness might be a start, but, frankly, I’m aware that people don’t care enough about something to change anything. This is why we need to just enjoy the 70-degree weather while we can. Do what we can, recycle when we can and try to forget about the world’s problems if not for only a 70-degree day in the winter. I suggest not watching “American Gladiators” on that day, because if anything destroys your faith in humanity it’s a show like that. The world is ending one obstacle course at a time, and worse yet, the apocalypse is narrated by Hulk Hogan.

Love, Ryan Beck