Column:
Replacing the golden arches on Lowry
Published Feb. 26, 2008
As you may have read in this publication a few weeks ago, the golden arches of Lowry Mall will not return to campus next semester. Yes, dear friends, next school year there will be no salty french fries to boost your spirits and your blood pressure after an exam gone terribly wrong. No more eating of the American dream: double cheeseburgers for less than a dollar. Where will I go to get my chicken nugget fixes? Those fowl concoctions with the sweet and sour sauce — mmmm, mamacita.
But that’s not the important question. The question everyone is asking is what will take its place. Well, for whom it may concern, I have compiled a list of suggestions.
First, a tiger. A real, gosh honest Bengal tiger. We could replace the walls with bars, throw some sod and dirt in there and all gaze upon our school’s mascot in the flesh. Of course people would be concerned about our academic advisors working above our living, breathing Truman, but they need a little thrill in their routine. Have you ever been to the Academic Success Center?
Before games we could paint pigeons red and blue and throw them into the cage; it would be more tribal than eating cheap hotdogs out of your friend’s Chevy Blazer. Think about how certifiably B.A. we would be when we would walk him out in front of other schools’ polyester-blend fur and foam suits. We’re the Tigers, and thusly, extreme. Watch yo’ self.
However, if that needs some sort of zoo accreditation, then my second suggestion is in the vein of McDonald’s, but better: a giant ball pit. As a rather tall child I was cheated out of this germ laden, colorful experience, and I’m still pissed. With a ball pit of larger proportions, everyone can jump in ... or at the least 47 people at a time according to the fire marshal. Campus tour guides could save it for the piece de resistance and while those high schoolers were flailing about, their eyes all aglow, they could probably get them to sign away their grandchildren to Mizzou. You see the ball pit serves two functions: FUNdraising.
But if that’s too much of an insurance liability, we could clear the spot out and make it suitable for dueling. Built to scale from the area that Alexander Hamilton defeated Aaron Burr, students at MU will settle arguments the old fashioned way. Some guy steals your participation points in Spanish class: challenge him to a duel. Some girl almost sideswipes your car while she’s chatting on her metallic pink RAZR: duel. The fencing club would maintain the area, but you wouldn’t necessarily have to use swords or the likes there of. Marbles, light sabers, jacks, rock ‘em sock ‘em robots — it’s easier to let plastic or metal determine a winner. Old Thomas Jefferson would be proud.
If this caused a decrease in the student population, we could always resort to my last idea: a garage to house a snow plow so perhaps Columbia and campus could function when it snows three inches. Less car wrecks, ice, people not showing up for class, it’s an all around good concept this preparation thing.
Then there’s always my friends’ ideas: petting zoo, baloonery, dry cleaner, farmers market, Lindsay Lohan fan club headquarters, underage bar, hookah bar or just a regular bar.
The possibilities are endless. But I guess I’d be OK with a Taco Bell.
