Column:

Buckling up with cable television stars

By Ryan Beck

Published Feb. 29, 2008

This weekend kind of sucked. I was in a car crash that was a very close call on my life. It happened this past Friday. I was taking comedian Doug Benson of the VH1 show “Best Week Ever” to the radio station to be a guest on a morning show. Like an idiot, I had passed the exit. I had pulled off the southbound lane and was stopped between the northbound and southbound lanes, ready to make my left onto the northbound portion of the highway. I looked left, and I looked right. No cars were coming. The coast was clear. All of the sudden there was a large crunching sound, the window shattered and I bounced my head off the remains of the door.

Blood and feathers flew everywhere.

At this point I was very disoriented but I had the sneaking suspicion that a flock of geese had just totaled my car.

Doug and I both yelled the S-word, and looked at each other in horror. The car door was slammed down on my lap and I was pinned in the vehicle. We had slid across both northbound lanes. Doug Benson looked at me and asked, “Are you OK? You’re bleeding.”

I replied, “I’m fine. My face hurts.” But neither Doug nor I could explain the feathers. I tried to get out of my car, but I was pinched inside. According to the police and firemen, if the other car struck me an inch higher or lower I would not be able to tell this story. I am very grateful for my life and their responsive timing.

I yelled, “Doug, I can’t move!”

“You can’t move!?” He feared I was paralyzed. I quickly explained that I simply was pinched between the twisted metal and the seatbelt.

The other driver, a 45-year-old man, came running over and said, “What should I do?”

He reached his hand inside to shake mine as if that would make everything better. Keep this in mind, hand-shaking only pisses off people who are bleeding and covered in feathers and is not the answer to the “What should I do?” question after you nail somebody with your car.

I said, “How about you call the damn police?”

“Where did all these feathers come from?” the other driver inquired.

“Just go call 9-1-1!” Needless to say I was a little upset with this gentleman that just destroyed my car and my beautiful jaw structure - not to mention caused me the serious pain and near-death experience that I could have done without at 8 a.m. on a Friday.

Next thing I remember, I was very cold and being pelted in the face with sleet while lying on a stretcher with sticky adhesive strips restraining my head and body on the stretcher.

A firemen spoke up, “Looks like your down-feather coat exploded when you were hit.”

“Well, that would explain all these feathers ...” the other driver said. I’m glad he solved his mystery.

As I was lifted into the ambulance I yelled for Doug Benson once more. “Doug!”

“Yeah?”

“I am not having the Best Week Ever,” I exclaimed.

“No, no you’re not.”

For two days I have been randomly finding feathers and shards of glass in and around my body, and to make matters more comforting, my jaw is broken and I get to have a lot of soup for some time. The moral of the story: Wear your seatbelt. And don’t get in a car with anyone from cable television. My face hurts.

Love, Ryan Beck