Column:

Making money interesting again

By Charles Austin

Published Feb. 5, 2008

I hate to say it, but I am bored with money. In the age of instant gratification, money has lost my interest entirely.

It’s too boring.

Now, I know that recently “the man” has been tampering with colors to make money more exciting to the kids, but I’m not so sure this does the trick.

Adding a tinge of red to the $10 bill is like taking “The Lady and the Tramp” out of the Disney vault and repackaging it for DVD.

Sure it’s exciting and new on the surface, but when it comes down to it, it’s the same thing I’ve hated for years, just dressed up in a fancy new package.

Now, I understand the rationale behind our currency classifications. Andrew Jackson was only one-fifth the president Benjamin Franklin was, hence why Jackson is only on the $20 bill and Franklin sits rightfully on his $100 throne, atop lesser presidents such as Abraham Lincoln, George Washington and Sacagawea. This makes sense — no one would dare deny that — but this thinking is outdated.

Like most American youth, I have garnered my entire understanding of politics from Green Day, and I know enough to realize that politics are boring.

What kids these days want is something hip, and who among us is more hip than dirty South rap superstars?

Washington, Thomas Jefferson and their political pals sat in the monetary office for too long.

I think it’s time we impeach them, in favor of true 21st century American icons. No longer shall we endure the president-induced doldrums of our parents’ day.

I nominate Young Jeezy for the $1 bill and T.I. for the five. One Ying Yang Twin on the 10, the other on the 20.

Ludacris deserves no less than the $50 bill. But then who, you ask, deserves to be immortalized on the coveted $100 bill?

Why none other than the King of Crunk himself, Lil Jon. He is a self-proclaimed monarch, and that is exactly what this country has needed since we seceded from Britain: a king.

Our presidents of yore affixed to our currency all played by the rules. When Ulysses S. Grant decided he wanted to be a ruler, he ran for president. When Lil Jon decided he wanted to be a ruler, he declared himself the monarch of a glorious new kingdom, the Kingdom of Crunk.

A forward-thinking man of this caliber is deserving of the highest honor our money has to offer.

I know what you’re thinking. “How can I repay you for solving all our economic troubles?”

But don’t speak so soon, as I have only solved half the problem. The issue still remains of what to do with those unsightly buildings on the flipside of our funds.

But fret not. I have a solution.

At present, there is no reason anyone would ever want more than one of each bill.

What do I need two 20s for? I got the feel for them the first time I saw one. As it stands, there is no reason anyone would ever want to own more than $186.

However, I propose we place a large puzzle on the back of each sheet of bills we print. This will keep people excited to get new money, as they will always be eager to see if they can put together any more of the puzzle with their old money. Each minting will bring about a new puzzle, so every year people will have more new and exciting puzzles to look forward to completing. This hobby will catch on globally, driving the value of the American dollar way, way up. Now I have solved all of our economic woes and now you can thank me.