Column:

New York Times crosswords stump Beck

By Ryan Beck

Published Feb. 8, 2008

I have recently made an enemy.

He is a mastermind like most villains, assuming, of course, that I am a superhero, or even Nietzsche’s Übermensch; in which case I will do my best to be like Soulja Boy and “superman that ho” in an honorable and most polite fashion.

Yet, justice must still be served. This conniving intelligent trickster is none other than Will Shortz. You might not know the name, but you certainly know his game: He is the New York Times crossword puzzle editor.

Ever since I have enrolled in college I have tried to solve just one of his puzzles, and every time Shortz seems to outwit me.

All I want is to be able to do one!

I have a fair bit of knowledge about Broadway productions, but after Bernadette Peters and Sweeney Todd references I’m kind of out of luck. Shortz must know this because nobody in his or her right mind knows the director of the traveling version of “Cats,” unless he or she was in it, and if 15-down ever asks that again I will light the newspaper on fire. Sweeney Todd, directed by Harold Prince, originally starred Angela Lansbury as Mrs. Lovett. He toys around with me early in the week; Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, I come so close. Then come the later days, when I need to figure out things like what King Lear and Janet Jackson have in common.

Oddly enough, that day 12-across happened to be “nipple ring.”

The only thing worse than these crosswords is the people that actually solve them within the real time limit. Answer me this, Will Shortz: why do the only people to solve your puzzles own book bags with wheels on the bottom?

Mark my words: if my luggage ever has wheels, then there had better be enough room for my manhood inside. I don’t care who you are — no, this is not a Larry The Cable Guy joke (God knows it will never be) ­— if you walk around with one of those rolling book bags, you will not be taken seriously. The only way to make somebody look cool with a wheeled book bag is to light it on fire. That way, the book bag owner might at least look like a daredevil of sorts. I’m not condoning arson, but go help out those people by buying a pack of matches.

Try solving a crossword when you’re on fire, you yuppie businessman!

I have a feeling that Shortz is not only attacking my pride, but the feelings of Americans everywhere.

I’m not a fragile individual, but if one of my friends tries to solve one of these crosswords, I can’t be held responsible for his or her pain. He is a big, brainy bully. It is an injustice to the people of this great nation. His clues are confusing, and he must be stopped.

His powers of coming up with roundabout clues and dissevering fancy-pants puzzles need to be harnessed for good, not evil.

That’s why I am proposing that we kidnap Will Shortz and make him solve puzzles and answer questions to help our defense department. He can easily stop any serial killer’s encrypted message or even sniff out a terrorist plot-in-the-making. Shortz will be like a basset hound but with bombs and murderers, instead of dead ducks and assorted other delicious poultry. This is just an idea, and hopefully it will be thrown out the window if I can ever solve one of those puzzles.

Love, Ryan Beck