Column:

Shaq in the Sun

By Patrick Daugherty

Published Feb. 8, 2008

Note to the editor: If Bill Belichick has received and read an advance copy of this column, please contact me immediately. I was very disappointed last week when his column on Tiger basketball had stolen basically all of my points.

Anyway, in case you didn’t know, there have been other sports stories this week besides the death of the Patriots and the different-colored hoodie of Bill Belichick (and him taping you in the shower, trying to figure out your soap pattern). So if, up until just now, you were still in a shock-induced coma from the Super Bowl’s outcome, you might have missed what we in the sports world like to call “kind of a big deal.” Shaquille O’Neal has been traded again, because he was unhappy again.

The 7’1, 325-pound (yeah right — in his bra), soon to be 36-year-old Miami Heat center has been shipped out west to the Phoenix Suns to provide a frontcourt defensive presence the fun ‘n’ gun Suns have lacked. Quick point: Maybe if O’Neal wants to stop breaking down he should consider not playing in a city where even the team name reminds him it’s hotter than the surface of the sun.

“Shaq,” as we so adoringly call him, has been traded for unhappy face Shawn Marion and back-up point guard Marcus Banks, who is somehow making $5 million a year. It has already been widely derided and lampooned by the media, but before you buy in to all the negative hype, let’s look at and clear up a few myths surrounding the Big Aristotle.

Myth: He’s too old. Truth: He’s nine months younger than Bruce Bowen and six inches taller. If it’s defense these Suns are after, I think they’ll be just fine - especially if they are still serious title contenders by the time Shaq gets completely healthy. Remember, Shaq likes that. He can’t waste all his energy on losing efforts at his advanced age. He might need some of that juice to demand a trade somewhere down the line.

Myth: He’s too slow for the Suns’ system. Truth: While he may not be as spry as, say, newly signed Golden State Warrior Chris Webber, if they just let the big guy in-bound the ball, he should be up court in two or three plays. He could maybe just alley-oop from the baseline to Amare Stoudamire every time as well. They can make this work.

Myth: He’s too fat again. Truth: Actually, this one is true.

Myth: Shaq is selfish and tires of playing with other superstars after two or three years. Truth: In Miami, he had already let Dwayne Wade get most of the commercials and the whole Kobe thing was Kobe’s fault. And the Penny Hardaway, Phil Jackson and Pat Riley ordeals were ... uhh ... their faults.

Myth: There aren’t enough women in the retirement home haven of Arizona for the big guy to have illegitimate children with. Truth: He might have to raise the average median age of his hook-ups, but Shaq knows by now that even if something is a little older and frailer, with modern science it can still most likely have children. Come on, did you think the big guy hasn’t learned anything in his 15 years in the league?

So you see, the desert and the Diesel might be a perfect match after all.