Column:

Imagining a life without trash

By Ryan Beck

Published March 14, 2008

I’m sure you all saw the members of Sustain Mizzou standing outside the library yelling about trash. I spoke with one of the members, and after I asked the cutting-edge questions like “Where did you get this pile of bottles?” and “So, you really paid for men in trucks to bring trash onto our campus?,” I started to actually listen to what she was saying. She made some good points; I was impressed what interesting things you can learn if you actually listen to people instead of mock them.

Alas, my mind wandered to a place where trash did not exist. Oscar the Grouch was out of a home, but alternatively the world was cleaner and Kansas City didn’t smell funny — this was a place of happiness. Naturally, since “trash” was eliminated in my imaginary society, no Britney Spears albums existed, and those thin black leggings that girls wear were nowhere to be found.

I’m not complaining, ladies, but when did spandex become okay to wear without anything else? Look, just don’t be upset when you catch people ogling your clearly outlined womanhood. I’m afraid this spandex trend might catch on with guys; then campus will be bombarded with lower torsos that would make our University appear that it had a grape-smuggling major — and that’s fruit of the loom that nobody wants.

I digress. Before I knew it, in the immediate few moments after my conversation with the Sustain Mizzou people, I had completed devoted my life to recycling and caring about the environment. I started to think about some of the environmental inadequacies that MU looks over.

For instance, Brady Commons is undoubtedly one of my favorite places to go on campus. I don’t know whether it’s because of all of the interesting nontraditional students there are to look at or my unwanted, undeniable urge to spend $5 on day-old cheese sticks and a half-filled thimble of marinara sauce, but for some reason I’m addicted. Whenever I go there, though, I am bombarded by people telling me to do things. I get handed flyers and other papers that say things like “End war now,” and “reduce, reuse, recycle.” Yes, what better way to spread the message of recycling and environmental consciousness than to print thousands of oddly shaped pieces of paper and pass them 15 feet away from a trash can?

To save the environment, we need to place restrictions on these people passing out flyers. In one walk through Brady Commons, I received one peace rally invitation, two “So you have a gambling problem?” fliers and one application to work for Disney over the summer.

Something is wrong here. Do I look like I have a gambling problem? If so, then that would seem to completely counter the Disney work program flyer. This is why, to save the environment, profiling must be brought back. Remember the golden age when you could just look at somebody and think whatever the hell you wanted about them? When people hand me fliers, I feel like they are saying, “Here, you, throw this away,” when they should be saying, “No, you wouldn’t be interested in what I’m holding; I’m going to recycle this instead.”

After all of these thoughts ran through my head, I smiled, finished the Dan Friesen column I was reading and drank the rest of my milkshake. I turned around and threw my cup away. As it seems, it is just way more convenient not to worry about the future of the environment — and trash it now, while we still can.

Love, Ryan Beck