Column:
Andy Rooney is better than me
Published March 18, 2008
Sometimes I wonder how many people really read my column or anyone else’s on this page for that matter.
Enough, I suppose, since there tends to be a guest column every now and then, and there were those two weeks where some pretty feisty, critical letters to the editor were coming in about Ryan and Dan.
But I also wonder what you readers think about us, as people. I know what you probably think of us; that we believe our opinion is so superior because we found a soapbox in The Maneater to pontificate to the masses of MU. And I use too many run-on sentences.
For the most part you’re right. In my application to be a columnist I stated that I was comparable to the Catholic Church in that I have an opinion on everything, including things I have no place to have one on.
And I will be transparent: having this square inch-age in a university newspaper was my chance to be the Carrie Bradshaw of Columbia, minus the flesh colored dresses and $3000 shoes, which I guess would make me more like Andy Rooney.
In fact, Andy Rooney is the man who made me think this job was going to be pie (preferably coconut cream). During one of his “A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney” segments at the end of 60 Minutes, he pulled out a few dozen kitchen utensils, scattered them across his desk and somehow managed to take up five minutes explaining how he could never foresee himself using a melon baller.
I knew that this man was as old as time and a World War II veteran, but Christ ... Was CBS really paying him to sit behind his dusty desk so I could hear his opinion on the melon baller?
I could produce far more intellectual and humorous content if CBS were to give the opportunity, I thought. Melon ballers ... give me a break.
But since acquiring this column, I know that I probably should have walked a mile in Andy’s loafers before I said he had the sweetest gig in North America.
In fact, there are times when deadline is an hour and half away and I myself feel like pulling out some kitchen utensils. Sometimes Garrison Keillor just said it better or I find out Leonard Pitts Jr. wrote a Pulitzer Prize winning article two years ago about the novel argument that popped into my head while I was microwaving some Easy Mac.
If you ever thought being a columnist was easy, there is a difference between having an opinion and having something to say.
You can think Brother Jed is egregious or that raspberry jam is far tastier than any other preserve, but can you write a 500-word article about it?
Can you offer a new theory or outlook on the subject?
So I’m going to ask you a favor. Instead of telling us that we are producing “mindless dribble” as true as it may be at times, why don’t you help us out and send us an e-mail.
You could send something you’d like to see talked about in the Forum section so we’re not toiling away, trying to make you laugh with some phallic satire that upsets you.
I think I speak for all of us on this page when I say we would all rather write about something you care about instead of melon ballers.
