Column:

Survivors still reign supreme over others

By Dan Friesen

Published March 18, 2008

I’ve been watching way too much Law & Order Special Victims Unit lately. I’ve made it through the first six seasons in the last two weeks or so, and there was a time when I was afraid that I was never going to stop. But I’ve now managed to kick my habit and take a break. But, as any addiction medicine specialist will tell you, when you’re addicted to coke and then quit, chances are you are going to be doing heroin within a week. Sure enough, I’ve stopped smoking SVU, but I’ve picked up the unfortunate habit of main-lining old seasons of Survivor.

I still watch Survivor, and I have got to say that the most recent episode of the current season scared the hell out of me. It was clear to me that Chet needed to fucking go home; he is weak, and he was complaining about a cut on his foot. Yet, as the episode came to a close, I was fairly convinced that the team was going to keep the injured poof Chet around and get rid of the greatest survivor who has ever been, Ozzy. Luckily, the tribe came to their senses and gave Chet the boot.

Ozzy, originally from the season with the heavy racial overtones, is an absolute beast. He can climb trees with ease, he can catch fish better than the rest of his team, he’s clever and competent with puzzles, and he looks damn good with the “haven’t shaven in a week” look. And he can swim like a fucking dolphin. Ozzy probably wouldn’t be my top social choice of someone to be stuck out in the forest with, but there’s no one I would rather have on my tribe if I were on that show. In honor of Ozzy, here I will present my top five Survivors of all time:

1. Matthew Von Ertfelda (Survivor Amazon)

— This guy was a fucking animal. He looked crazy, acted crazy and was a physically dominating force. He loved his machete, and was a remarkable marksman. The veins in his chest and arms freak me out.

1. Terry Deitz (Survivor Panama)

— A great man, Terry survived against all odds. After his original La Mina tribemates were picked off one by one, Terry stuck around by winning pretty much every individual immunity challenge. To add to that, he found the hidden immunity idol, so he frequently had “double immunity.” A great competitor.

1. CT Tamburello (Survivor: Real World Paris)

— Admittedly he’s not actually a contestant on Survivor, but just imagine if he were. CT is the greatest thing that has ever happened to reality TV, imagine how out of control he would be if he were starving. And sober.

1. Christy Smith (Survivor Amazon)

— I decided to include Christy on the list so that the Women’s Center wouldn’t write a bunch of letters to the editor about how Survivor isn’t just a man’s game, and my assertions reveal my support for the patriarchy. That being said, I can’t deny that Christy did amazingly on the show. She is deaf and got sixth place on the show!

1. Ozzy Lusth (Survivor: Cook Islands & Fans Vs. Favorites)

— As if there was ever any doubt. The fucking guy can swim more gracefully than any non-reptilian or amphibian ever should. He got second place on Survivor: Cook Islands, and unless things go terribly wrong, he’s going to at least get to the top three this second time around. Plus, he was on a show on Playboy TV called “Foursome,” where he got a BJ and banged two chicks. He’s a great survivor and an even better lover, if we can believe his “Foursome” co-stars. On top of all that, he has an even better command of the English language than I, an accomplished wordsmith, do. When asked about his blowjob, he said, “she did an excellent job. Excellent job.”