Column:

Darth Nader strikes back

By Rachel Kaufman

Published March 4, 2008

Bud Light presents: Real Men of Genius

(Real men of genius)

Today we salute you, Mr. Two-Party Election Killer

(Mr. Two-Party Election Killer)

You enter the presidential election, knowing you don’t stand a chance of winning

(Why waste your money?)

All you do is create more commercials, newspaper ads and Meet The Press interviews

(Keeping Anderson Cooper employed)

You thrive off the votes from the viable candidates who will lose by roughly the same number of votes you receive

(You blood sucking leach!)

So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light you over-politicized consumer-advocated hippie. After all, you would’ve won if you were running for president of San Francisco in 1960.

(Mr. Two-Party Election Killer)

By no means am I promoting Budweiser products. Those are about as desirable as Ralph Nader, our newest presidential candidate - again. I’m merely trying to remind those whose sole source of political news is my weekly babbling, that Nader is back and ready to compete with the big boys and Hillary. You know Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill. and Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., are sitting around in their cushy Senate offices asking themselves what the hell is going on. Here they are, raising millions of dollars two years in advance, debating like crazy, mudslinging, campaigning and kissing babies, and in waltzes Nader to take his seat at the adult table. This will be his fifth consecutive presidential run, as well as his fifth consecutive goal of pissing everyone off. Even Ross Perot has given up; can’t Nader find anything else to do with his life? Like maybe read a book, plant a tree or invest his money in an interest-bearing money market?

I don’t even know who votes for Nader anymore. In a Time magazine article written by Joel Stein last Friday, he mentions how Nader has alienated himself from any possible constituency he might have had. And while I dislike quoting other journalists, I feel as though Stein hit the nail on the very dull head with his strategy for Nader ‘08.

His idea is to “apologize like crazy” to the American people for the 2000 election.

Stein said in his article that he suggested Nader adopt the slogan “My bad!” and produce campaign buttons with his head on Urkel’s body, saying, “Did I do that?” Nader, Stein suggested, would come out onstage to Britney Spears’ “Oops! ... I Did It Again” and do one of those super-short apology trips to rehab.

America is funny like that; we blame the candidate rather than the voters. In other countries, there are numerous parties all contending for power. Here we have two. And out of those two major parties, Americans constantly complain about their options or lack thereof. Then when an alternative comes up, they complain about that alternative. And when someone is elected, they complain about that person for four or eight years. There is no pleasing us. So why bother trying?

So, Ralph, America might not like you, but America doesn’t like anybody so don’t apologize for being yourself. Keep on keepin’ on, Mr. Two-Party Election Killer.