Column:

Friesen's Earth Hour boring, porn-filled

By Dan Friesen

Published April 1, 2008

Welcome back from Spring Break, children. I hope you all had a good time drinking and having anonymous sex at some tropical locale on your parents’ dime. I myself did not take a trip to any island or beach, but I did take a trip to the heart of our indulgent, negligent modern culture.

I spent my entire week off preparing for my quest. I was going to be a part of something big. I was going to help change, nay save, the world. I was going to sit in my room with the lights off from 8 to 9 p.m. on Saturday night during Earth Hour.

As many of you probably don’t know, the WWF (the guys who care about nature, not the ones who rule the world of sports entertainment) encouraged everyone in the world to turn off their lights for an hour to save THE FUCKING WORLD. Originally, I thought this sounded like the lamest, most trite idea ever, lamer even than Hands Across America. But then, I read this quote: “It all started with a question: How can we inspire people to take action on climate change? The answer: Ask the people of Sydney to turn off their lights for one hour.”

It’s so simple. The people of Sydney turned off their lights for an hour one day last year, and the energy they saved was equivalent to taking 48,616 cars off the road for a year. This math seemed a little off to me, but really, who am I to call the WWF liars? I’m no climatologist.

What follows are the thoughts of a man on a quest: a quest to save the world by turning off his lights for an hour.

8:01: I am so awesome. I am going to save the damn world. But I have to take this seriously, and by that, of course, I mean that I’m not going to masturbate.

8:03: It is really fucking boring just sitting here in the dark. There’s nothing to do. I can barely see the words I’m writing. I mean, if they held this stupid Earth Hour at like two in the afternoon, there would be some natural light coming through the window to write by.

8:07: It seems to me that most businesses and office buildings are closed by 8 on a Saturday. This means that the only people who can really take part in this symbolic act are people in their homes. Are people in their homes really the problem?

8:12: Alright, I have to keep the lights off, but they didn’t say anything about using a computer. I’m just going to cruise the internet and gather some background information about Earth Hour to really beef up this column.

8:13-8:47: Porn Break.

8:49: I’m never been so ashamed. Here I am, trying to save the world through having my lights off and it didn’t even take fifteen minutes to start masturbating. Seriously, I’m a “grown ass man,” how am I supposed to sit around alone, in the dark, and not start beating off? I’m only human.

8:53: Well, Earth Hour is coming to a close, and I guess it’s time for me to reflect on what I’ve learned from having my lights turned off for an hour. I guess I haven’t really learned all that much, save for that the Left Wing environmentalists really want to trick me into masturbating. What’s in it for them?

8:57: Fuck this. I’m done. I’m turning on the lights. I’ve already sullied this powerful symbolic act with my self-pleasuring. Plus, I turn off my lights for seven to eight hours every day; isn’t that enough for you, WWF?