Column:

Katie Shmatie, bring back Dan Rather

By Hannah Hayes

Published April 15, 2008

My birthday is coming up and I only have one wish this year. I would like CBS to banish Katie Couric to the morning hours for good and bring back Dan Rather.

I am part of three generations of solid devotion to the ruddy, clever Texan and my life has never been the same since his departure from the CBS Evening News in 2005. In fact, after his final sign off, I think my mom and I cried a little. Who was going to compare things to turnip soup or crackling hickory fires? Dan’s successor certainly wasn’t going to offer such aphorisms like “let’s hit these biscuits with another dab of gravy” during the next election.

Especially if Dan’s successor was Katie Couric; an idea concocted by Les Moonves, to be a cure-all for CBS’s ratings issues.

Les, friend-o.

I don’t understand the logic. Hiring Katie to give me my news is like asking Jim Carrey to be serious and successful. It’s like giving me Hamburger Helper when I wanted a New York Strip.

This may be a stretch, but think if they sent Jim Lehrer away and asked Rainbow Brite to fill in.

Sure she has cool, magical power and the kids love her, but it doesn’t mean I want her to tell me what’s going on in Iraq. It doesn’t mean I want her to explain the complexities of our economic recession. When it comes to the news, Les, people don’t want their kid sister, Katie. They want the wise, sagely knowledge of their grandfather.

And that’s what Dan was. Sure he was a little loopy sometimes and started going on about frogs and Jell-O, but he’s someone you felt you trusted. I mean this man followed rebels in the mountains of Afghanistan for Pete’s sake.

Now we have Katie, giggling like a tipsy sorority girl with Steve Hartman, while you send Lara Logan to the depths of humanity, Sharyl Attkisson to kick Congress in the pants and forget all about Kimberly Dozier. Those are the women you should have looked to if you wanted to have the first female anchor.

These are women who may not necessarily have commercial appeal or ratings, but who have seen things and have experience that stretches beyond the studio. As Dan, himself, would say “Ratings don’t last. Good journalism does.”

I mean, c’mon Les, did you see that video on mydamnchannel.com? The outtakes of Katie saying “dude” and “bro” far too many times and snorting over how funny she thinks she is making fun of Dan?

Am I really supposed to believe some lady who said, “I’m just laying some Jewish guilt on you bro?”

I think that’s a little too much to ask.

And yeah, there was the whole sloppy reporting on George Bush’s Vietnam service, but can’t we bury the hatchet and the lawsuit for the sake of network news?

I think the people have spoken. We don’t want to watch cuteoverload.com after work. We want to watch the news.

So can’t we hug it out and bring Dan back just for a little bit? Please. I hate to use another Ratherism, but Katie is a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach.