Column:
More rituals needed in secret societies
Published April 22, 2008
Children, last week brought to campus one of the University of Missouri’s greatest and oldest traditions. Actually, it brought two of the greatest and oldest traditions, if you count me drunkenly taking a dump on the Quad.
Although I consider public defecation to be one of the most beautiful and rich rights of passage in modern culture, I seem to be in the minority. Most “sane” people feel that Homecoming is the most important tradition at Mizzou, some going so far as to claim that we invented Homecoming. I’ve never celebrated a Homecoming during my numerous years in college, as I have as much interest in school spirit as I do in sports, and I never need an excuse to drink other than “I exist.”
But, yet, I do find myself oddly attracted to what people seem to agree is the second most important tradition on campus, Tap Day. Until this week, I had no idea what happened on Tap Day. My best guess was that it was a day-long percussive dancing competition. If not, I thought it had something to do with that flick starring George C. Scott.
I was wrong on all my guesses. It turns out Tap Day is the day people are “tapped” to become members of secret societies.
I should probably admit at this point that, ever since my youth, I have always wanted to be a member of a secret society. I blame my dad for making me watch The Dead Poets’ Society when I was but a lad, but whatever the source, I’ve always wanted to be part of a clandestine, cloak-and-dagger type of organization. I even wore a cape around when I was younger. I wanted a cape with a hood, but the family was poor. Times were tough.
I never did get that hood, but I now realize that I could actualize my childhood dreams by gaining membership in one of these campus secret societies. I could just see myself holding a candle, chanting incantations to Chattur’gha, the god of physical might: “Pargon, Pargon, Tier, Pargon, Pargon, Aretak, Pargon, Pargon” (that’s how we summon the terrible beast, The Horror), reading directly from the Tome Bound in HUMAN FLESH! We would work restlessly to destroy Xel’lotath, all the while trying to enslave humanity. It would be the greatest life.
So I decided though I missed induction into a secret society this year, I would do everything I could to make sure I got “tapped” next year. If I graduate without casting one “Bankorok, Pargon, Santak” (that’s a force field) spell, I won’t deserve whatever degree I get.
Imagine my disappointment when I had a little discussion with a friend of mine inside the secret society system (to insure that my sources feel comfortable, I have to respect her anonymity). I was baffled with how open she was, that she would just come out and admit that she was a member of a secret society. Wasn’t she afraid that she would be outed as the girl behind the hood who slit the pig’s throat over the ceremonial pyre?
Apparently not, because according to her, they don’t do shit like that anymore. They do “community service,” and “outreach projects.”
No pagan rituals? No animal sacrifice? Then why the hell is the membership secret? I miss the days of secret societies being exclusively for bizarre religious practices and conspiracies to form a One World Government.
What I’m trying to say is that I’m forming a secret society. We will hold bake sales and car washes, raising money to stop the Roivas family and bind Manturok, the dead god. Followers of Ulyaoth need not apply.
