Column: Hypothetical questions posed for readers
April 29, 2008
Hypothetical questions are fun. Most people know this, but inevitably in every group there is one person who, for some reason, fails to comprehend the concept of hypothetical.
This is the guy who, when asked whether he’d rather have a billion dollars or the perfect wife, responds, “Why can’t I have both?” If you’re this guy then don’t read this column, because you are boring. For everyone else, here are four hypothetical questions I’ve concocted.
1) You are one of the most famous rock stars in the world. You have built your image on rocking hard, partying harder and never listening to “the man” or authority.
One day while eating dinner at the Olive Garden you cut the roof of your mouth on a rusty fork (you always eat with a rusty fork to show disrespect to “the man’s” silverware). Your manager tells you to get a tetanus shot, but you don’t out of sheer rebellion.
Now you have tetanus and you are guaranteed to die in two weeks. Do you A) commit a rebellious suicide and become forever immortalized as a rock legend or B) live out the remaining weeks of your life and forever be remembered as the rock star who poked himself with a fork at Olive Garden?
2) You are presented with three hypothetical dating partners. The first you find extremely attractive, but he or she has zero knowledge of any popular culture whatsoever. He or she has never seen a single movie or TV show, has never read a single book or listened to a single song in his or her entire life.
If you expose him or her to these things, he or she will not like them. The second partner you find moderately attractive but he or she only has knowledge of popular culture from seemingly bizarre locales. He or she listens exclusively to Balkan pop music and only watches films from Greenland and Tanzania. The last potential partner you find unattractive but he or she has similar interests in popular culture to you. Which of these people do you date?
3) You have two options for how you wish to spend the rest of your life. The first option is to be a millionaire who always has plenty of money but will always feel like the temperature is 15 degrees Fahrenheit colder than you would like.
There is no way to prevent this. Despite all your wealth, your surroundings would always feel 15 degrees too cold and no amount of heating or vacationing could ever change this. The second option is to always be poor, but exist in a constant state of perfect weather.
You would spend the rest of your life struggling to put food on the table and you would just barely provide for your family.
You would not have a TV and you would be stuck with a dial-up modem, but the weather would always be exactly how you want it. Which existence do you choose?
4) You meet two people whom you find equally sexually attractive. One of these people loves everything you love.
You have the exact same taste in movies, music, TV, politics, religion, color, ice cream, everything. The other person hates everything you love and loves everything you hate. This is not a mere difference in taste, he or she actually despises everything that you even remotely enjoy, and loves everything you dislike. Which of these people do you want to sleep with more?
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