Column: Play ball, bitches
April 4, 2008
Instead of writing about the Final Four — which you would all rather read about — here instead are picks and analysis for the 2008 Major League Baseball season. Enjoy.
National League East: 1. Philadelphia Phillies — Jimmy Rollins later regrets his participation in novelty Phillies-themed “Rollin’” remake, but still leads team to second straight division title. 2. New York Mets — Doomed to the wild card by Carlos Beltran’s campaign to be struck out looking by every current or former Cardinals pitching prospect. 3. Atlanta Braves — The team falls apart after Tom Glavine and John Smoltz protest the second half of the season after all Ovaltine is removed from the clubhouse. 4. Washington Nationals — Et tu, Dmitri Young? 5. Florida Marlins — Failed attempts to coax Jeff Conine out of retirement equal fifth place.
NL Central: 1. Chicago Cubs — Has anyone else heard Carlos Zambrano is guest-starring as a headstrong street tough on “Law and Order” this fall? 2. St. Louis Cardinals — See Albert Pujols. 3. Milwaukee Brewers — SP thinner than bulimic Jonathan Taylor Thomas. 4. Cincinnati Reds — Will Jay Bruce and Homer Bailey be the Reds’ Laverne and Shirley or Thelma and Louise? 5. Houston Rockets — Yao Ming’s midseason injury too much to overcome. 6. Pittsburgh Pirates — Uhhh, they have Matt Morris?
NL West: 1. Los Angeles Dodgers — Takashi Saito settles clubhouse dispute between the veterans and rookies about what music to play by suggesting all Hootie and The Blowfish, all the time. 2. Arizona Diamondbacks — Collapse after Brandon Webb’s sinker starts to sink so much it begins striking out people in other games. 3. San Diego Padres — Long season begins when Jim Edmonds injures himself hitting a walk-off homer off Trevor Hoffman in a team scrimmage two days before opening day. 4. San Francisco Giants — Fourth place in large part to Rich Aurilia’s “senior moments” providing much needed comic relief to keep the team loose. 5. Colorado Rockies — I don’t know what they’re going to miss more — Kazuo Matsui or the anal fissures.
American League East: 1. New York Yankees — Chien Ming Wang finally hits the 20-win mark and ups his K/9 IP to .8. 2. Boston Red Sox —Win wild card despite Jonathan “pap smear” Papelbon taking his nickname MUCH more literally than in years past. 3. Toronto Blue Jays — Still get third even after midseason signing of Rickey Henderson. 4. Tampa Bay (R.I.P. Devil) Rays — Will miss Delmon Young’s temper, but will LOVE Matt Garza’s onion dip. 5. Baltimore Orioles — Where have you gone, B.J. Surhoff?
AL Central: 1. Detroit Tigers — Win division even after all the weight Miguel Cabrera lost adds itself to Dontrelle Willis’ ERA. 2. Cleveland Indians — Miss the playoffs after Fausto Carmona changes his name to Walter. 3. Minnesota Twins — With Elijah Dukes gone from his life, Delmon Young is finally free to find his true soul mate, Michael Cuddyer. 4. Kansas City Royals — Alex Gordon: the next Eric Crouch? 5. Chicago White Sox — Ozzie Guillen is fired after Jay Mariotti reveals in a newspaper column that he called Bobby Jenks “the Elton John of closers.”
AL West: 1. Los Angeles Angels of Christopher Lloyd — Keep their stranglehold on the division largely due to the influx of personality provided by Jon Garland. 2. Seattle Mariners — Adrian Beltre: what could go wrong? 3. Texas Rangers — After acquisition of Josh Hamilton, all bars in Arlington begin to close at 1 p.m. 4. Oakland Athletics — Help from up-and-coming prospects like New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson still years away.
World Series: Yankees over Dodgers.
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