Column: A heart-to-heart talk with Friesen
May 6, 2008
Well, children, it looks we’ve come to the end of another semester together. We’ve gone through a lot: There were some ups and some downs. I wrote a few quality columns, and I can’t lie, there were some losers in the mix too. There’s no guarantee that I will get rehired next semester, so there is an outside possibility that this will be the last time you get to read the poetic genius that is Dan Friesen in this paper.
Over the last six semesters, I’ve written a lot of graphic things, many times very personal things. Yet I don’t feel I’ve ever really opened up and gotten real with you, my readers. I always have the air of being larger than life, “too cool for school,” and above it all here in print. But, in my day-to-day life, I’m just a normal man with fears and shortcomings, dreams and wishes. I’m just like you, unless you’re a woman, in which case, I’m very similar to you, but I have a penis where you have a vag.
I feel that it is time for me to open up, to lay it all out on the table. I have a problem. I watch too much pornography.
The natural response is “Forsooth! There’s no such thing as too much pornography,” and I grant that this is true generally speaking. The rub, as I see it, is that there is a finite amount of porno in the world, and at the rate I’m going (even factoring in the new flicks constantly being made), I will have watched every pornographic film ever made on December 21, 2012.
Then there is the serious issue of there only being so many pornos worth watching. This is really my problem. I knew things were getting bad when I actually went to X-Tube this weekend. I have constantly avoided X-Tube because anyone can post shit on there. This sounds great, and your mind assumes there’s going to be busty young skanks losing their pants and taking pictures of themselves in the mirror. Then you get there, and you realize that the site is comprised almost entirely of dudes taking pictures of their dicks. It’s all dongs! I can’t swim through that massive sea of dick to get to the tiny island of naked chicks.
But, it gets worse. I think it’s safe to say I hit rock bottom today. I am not proud to report this, but today I watched a video called Porno Bloopers.
It’s very surreal to see people having sex with a zany Benny Hill type soundtrack. It’s even weirder when the video includes a laugh track. It wasn’t arousing at all, but my real complaint is that it wasn’t even funny. The tape didn’t even include genuine bloopers. There are a couple farts, some queefs and a couple shoddily constructed sets, but by and large, it was just girls who were really drunk falling over. As I was watching, I couldn’t shake the thought, “Has it really come to this?” This is how I’m spending my time? I could be learning a new language, perfecting my lasagna recipe, but no, here I am, watching a drunk chick in 8-inch heels fall over and giggle.
I’m glad I had this opportunity to open up to you and really connect. If this is the last time we talk, I’ll be satisfied having had this moment. Oh please, who am I kidding? Of course they’re going to rehire me for next semester. Who are they going to get to replace me? Lacey Hanson?
Ha. See you next semester, children.
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