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Column: Really, Bush?

By Rachel Kaufman
May 6, 2008

Instead of writing a sentimental final column, discussing my plans for achieving world peace, ending social stratification and my ultimate goal of uniting all of America into one gigantic, all-inclusive party, I’m going to write about something that means more to America.

Did anyone see the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner on Saturday? Sadly, I missed it. I was busy being in college and all. But I didn’t miss the coverage of it on VH1. That’s right, folks. VH1. The same network that employs Flava Flav, Bret Michaels and Danny Bonaduce was the network that enlightened me on President George Bush’s very last correspondent dinner ever, unless the Constitution is amended.

So naturally, I wanted to find out more about the super swanky supper, so I Googled it. Damn, I’m a good journalist. Let me explain what I found out about this national affair. Ashlee Simpson was there and she had ... get this ... OMG ... a baby bump.

I know! The rumors are true! But luckily her strappy black dress concealed it well. Want to know what else? Lauren Conrad from “The Hills” was there! And so were her real-life arch nemeses Heidi and Spencer. Whoa. I hope they weren’t seated together. That would have been terrible.

Speaking of terrible, guess who else was there? You guessed right: the Jonas Brothers. I mean, they probably weren’t even around when Bush the first was president, and I’m not sure where they came from, but they have a higher approval rating from the American people than Bush right now, so why should they be left out of this national pastime?

Oh, so political figures should be there? Really? Well, there was no one important, just Colin Powell, Henry Kissinger and civil rights leader Dorothy Height.

But does that matter? No. Because Ed Westwick was there. I consider myself pretty up to speed on random celebrity news. I’m not proud of it, but I can honestly say I have absolutely no clue as to who Ed Westwick is. But he is yet another prestigious guest whose every move was watched by US Weekly.

Sick of this yet? Well hold on to your seats, I’ve been saving the best for last. I view myself as a pretty educated American. That’s why Bush’s “comedy” routine really made me say, “Oh God. Please say that didn’t happen.”

I know he’s supposed to be funny. But when he said Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., couldn’t be in attendance because of rumored sniper fire and Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., was busy at church, I just cringed. Really George, you’re bringing terrorism threats and religion into this? Don’t worry, he mentioned Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., too: “He probably wanted to distance himself from me a little bit. You know, he’s not alone. Jenna’s moving out too,” Bush said about his soon-to-be-wed daughter.

Can you blame McCain, though? I can’t.

The thing that got me most is that he was making these jokes to a room full of fake celebrities. I don’t think they understood the Hillary/sniper, Obama/church, McCain/distancing references. Most of America wouldn’t, so why would Miley Cyrus’s Disney pals? All this dinner proved was that politicians could be as catty as over-privileged, attention-seeking pseudo stars. And America thinks it’s all one big joke. God bless America.