Column: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Snacks
June 4, 2008
I have yet to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but from what I can gather from a trip to the grocery store, the movie details Harrison Ford’s epic struggle against diabetes and chronic obesity. Since I haven’t seen the film, I’m not sure whether the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull lies within the U.S. border, but if not, we may have a new competitor for the fattest, unhealthiest nation (or, well, kingdom) on the planet.
Harrison Ford’s face is stamped across pretty much every snack food, beverage and candy bar known to man, and I can only assume this is because these products are extremely relevant to the content of the motion picture. Surely advertisers wouldn’t be so cunning and devious as to mislead me into unduly associating Indiana Jones with Doritos if it doesn’t happen that way in the movie.
While sifting through an ocean of Indiana Jones-clad Snickers bars, soft drinks and adult diapers, my roommate remarked, “Poor Harrison Ford. This is why he never wins any Oscars.”
And I realized sadly, this is true. In this day and age, a fellow can’t even appear on a 24-pack of Coca-Cola products without being shunned by the Academy. Harrison Ford hasn’t received an Oscar nomination in more than two decades, while just last year the silver screen atrocity Norbit was nominated for an Oscar as well as a Kids’ Choice Award — another accolade that has eluded Harrison Ford.
So, today I’m holding an award show of my own for the shameless sell-outs, like our friend Harrison, whom the Academy has so haughtily disregarded. I proudly present to you the first annual Awards for Shameless Sponsorships:
Best Sexualizing of a Minor: Hannah Montana Make-up Compact Kit — This ASS award goes to the good folks at Disney for their product’s dual ability to exploit and sexualize a 15-year-old girl as well as teach 8-year-old girls (according to the product’s “recommended age” label) what the rest of us already know: they are repulsive and overweight and none of the 9-year-old boys will ever want to sleep with them unless they apply this deftly marketed product to their pudgy, splotchy, hideous 8-year-old faces.
Best Supporting Actor on a Kellogg’s Product: Eddie Murphy as Donkey on Eggo waffles — This ASS goes to Eddie Murphy’s character from Shrek in a particularly riveting breakfast food appearance. Last year, Shrek himself appeared on a couple products in promotion of the movie Shrek the Third, including Fruit Loops, Frosted Flakes, Cocoa Krispies, Corn Pops, Honey Smacks, Cheez-Its, Pop-Tarts, Rice Krispies Treats, Town House Crackers, Go-Gurt, M&Ms, Snickers and Colgate toothpaste. But the addition of that Donkey’s stupid grin on Eggo waffles really drove the point home.
Best Starring Role on a Carbonated Product: Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones on Dr. Pepper — It’s only fitting that Indiana Jones, a man most famous for his doctorate in action and adventure, would team up with a soft drink best known for attaining a doctorate in deliciousness. What’s more, each case of 12 Dr. Peppers features an image of Indy himself on the side of the can, and there are at least six different exciting, thirst-quenching cans to collect.
This means you need to drink at least 72 cans of Dr. Pepper to collect them all, which is exactly how many cans I assume Harrison Ford drinks in the movie. Considering the film runs for 124 minutes, this means Indy drinks a can of Dr. Pepper every 1.7 minutes. If my calculations are correct, I need to see this movie.
More June 4, 2008 Forum Stories
- Extended campus housing not the answer for freshmen crowd — Some incoming freshmen receiving their housing assignments in the coming months might be surprised to find that despite the requirement ...
- Gov. Blunt needs to sign for student curator vote — On May 16, the Missouri House passed a bill ensuring that the final vote on the UM system’s governing body ...
- Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Snacks — I have yet to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but from what I can gather ...
- Making your own mistakes — Even before I came to MU, I could envision my column. Once a week, “Single File” would appear in The ...
- What they won't tell you at Summer Welcome — Freshmen, you’ve got some things to learn you will never find in a textbook or in the binder your Summer ...
Most recent Forum Stories
- Faculty should make textbooks cheaper for students — As college students with little excess cash and a lot of textbooks to buy, we couldn't be happier that the ...
- Student voters should be informed, reminded — Over the past few weeks, student political organizations and the Associated Students of the University of Missouri visited classrooms, spoke ...
- Debating the power of protests — We need to avoid one-sided protests.
- America's future might be in Dick Cheney's hands — At this point in October, the election table seems to be tilted toward Democratic Party candidate Sen. Barack Obama. The ...
- From fashion design to psychiatry, Daniels explores options — I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. In second grade, I wanted to be a ...