Column: It's MU's new pasttime, baby
July 9, 2008
Along with tailgating, beer pong, Shakespeare’s, the Student Recreation Complex and Chipotle, the Chinese buffet is rapidly gaining momentum in its campaign for MU’s Favorite Pastime.
When students are faced with the perplexing question, “What can I possibly eat that is better than huge burritos and pizza?” the answer usually renders them face-to-face with the hostess.
“Two for buffet?”
Buffet enthusiasts burst through the door like 5-year-old kids on Christmas morning and scan the perimeter for something to eat. Upon their entrance, conversation at all tables comes to a sudden halt. Everyone around is completely aware of the sweet n’ sour-addled catastrophe that awaits. Everyone, that is, except the employees. After slyly making their way past the naïve hostess, they soon find themselves situated in a booth reeking of soy sauce and fried food. Eating this meal will be an event as life-changing as kicking the University of Kansas’ ass, and it will repeat itself approximately 3,000 times as part as every student journeys toward graduation. Hopefully just like kicking KU’s ass.
Once regarded as an Eastern delicacy served in small portions, this Americanized “delicacy” is now served in as many as 50 industrial-sized, stainless-steel tubs, with prominently displayed labels reading, “All You Can Eat.” This might as well be a warning label, because Americans can eat a lot.
But still you must wonder, “How can I achieve the same level of fortune cookie fame as the ESPN Classic-worthy heroes mentioned above?” Today is your lucky day, because you’re reading the work of a guy who’s done more damage to buffets than Martin Rucker does to tiny defensive backs.
If you ever have any, advise your children not to read this. Those pursuing nutrition-related majors, just turn the page. And to the apostles, I’m sorry if this blows your book out of the water. In light of newfound buffet nirvana, I created what experts are saying will soon be considered the Buffet Bible.
Thou shalt not eat the salad. Eating salad at a Chinese buffet is like wearing a shirt with a popped collar. No matter how hard you try to make it work, people will only laugh when they see what you’re doing.
Thou shalt not limit thyself to the use of one hand. Very few can boast the rare skill of ambidexterity, but those who share in my passion for ingestion will not only learn to eat two-handed, but they’ll bring their own oversized spoons. Or shovels.
Thou shalt always fill thy plate. Why waste two inches of porcelain goodness when you can pile on a few extra wontons? Don’t be shy; after all, Chinese food doesn’t eat itself.
Thou shalt not order a soda. Soda won’t do you any good unless you like paying more and not being able to eat as much. If you enjoyed paying a lot and being worse off than if you didn’t, you would go to Saint Louis University.
Thou shalt always stay for dessert. You’re not done until you’ve both had your cookies. Fortune cookies not only complete the meal, but they provide reading material while you make room for your 13th course. Plus, if you’re a dragon and fraternity brother Bill is a rat, you two might have chemistry.
Although there is no surefire way to guarantee your meal will be top notch, these guidelines provide the most consistent way to have a good enough time to come again. After all, I’m pretty sure it’s what Jesus would do.
“Therefore they shall eat the fruit of their way, and have their fill of their own devices.” — Proverbs 1:31
I sure hope the owner of Village China Wok doesn’t read this. I’d hate to be the one tagged responsible for this most recent eating epidemic. Oh well, they already told me to “Never come to my buffet again!” But that’s a different story.
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