Column:

'Everyone Poops' example for openly talking about farting

By Jacob Houska

Published Sept. 11, 2008

At some point in her life, Oprah bit down on her lip, closed one eye and ripped a massive fart.

If she hasn't done that before, then I've been right all along and she isn't human. But even Jessica Simpson has been known to let one squeak out on occasion. Maybe she's not known for it, but I guarantee she's human too. And normal human functions are impossible to avoid altogether. You can do what you want to limit them, but it all ends the same.

Although there isn't a clear-cut way to avoid the embarrassment of a classroom full of your peers turning in unison and looking at you with that "Did you really just fart?" blank stare, there are several techniques to limit the amount of public flatulence.

To beat your opponent, flatulence, you must know your opponent, and its tendencies.

Not every single cut of the cheese is the garden-variety nudge-your-buddy-and-chuckle kind. Farts are as diverse as the crowd they annoy. But to effectively mask a methane-like discharge, you can do several things to identify what kind, how severe and several other dangers that surround the risky maneuver of publicly letting it rip.

Step one is identifying the quantity. I don't mean to get all scientific, but density = mass/volume. Simply put, a huge, pressure-relieving fart might not be as threatening as one that might ensue after drinking quarter draws and eating El Rancho. If any questions arise concerning exactly what kind of enemy you're dealing with, avoid the fight at all costs.

Step two is keeping it on the DL. Perhaps the most crucial battle in this war is making sure no one in the room, or building for that matter, knows you farted. Step two is the most crucial of all steps, because if this one is not closely followed, all the others become meaningless.

Step three is stench control. You did it. You farted, you don't have to go home and change and no one knows about it. In a sense, you might feel better than everyone else, given that your knowledge is superior to theirs because you know something they don't.

Step four is damage control. Step four is more of an emergency precaution. In the event of another person recognizing that you farted, and correctly placing the blame on you, it's time to limit the damage. The riskiest and most popular decision is to not give up. If you still try to deny it and are overruled again, the blame and embarrassment will fall even harder. But every once in a while someone gets away with passing the blame, even this late in the game. Try the line, "If I farted you woulda heard it!"

The funny part about these suggestions is that you've experienced every single one. You might have handed this article to a friend saying, "Oh my, this is disgusting, read this." But deep down, you know the reason you're laughing is because everything listed above, you've done. Every nervous moment, you've endured.

One of the best books ever written is "Everyone Poops," by Taro Gomi. It's simply a classic. And the reason it's a best seller is because she talks openly about an embarrassing truth, just like me.

So don't scoff at my innovative how-to-fart guide. Accept it with an open mind, like you did when you were a kid.

Just don't do it when I'm around.