Column:

Scholarship from Barbara Rupp would help future star

By Jacob Houska

Published Sept. 19, 2008

To: Barbara Rupp, associate director of admissions

From: Jake Houska, disconcerted student

Subject: Give me a full ride

Dear Barbara,

The first time I ever decided to go to the financial aid office to get loans to attend school, I asked my dad, who also paid for college by himself, for advice. He looked me square in the eye and said, "Bring a bottle of KY Jelly. You're about to get (screwed)."

Which is why I'm writing you.

I think it would be much easier if you would just give me a full ride. To be fair, the university gave Ricky Clemens and Kalen Grimes a full ride, and look how they turned out. And then, on the other hand, students like Sheryl Crow, Brad Pitt and me get nothing. We're the ones who make MU look good. And the real issue is I am going to make MU more proud than Brad Pitt or Sheryl Crow ever could.

Aside from the fact that I write a column that at least nine people read (I have six family members) and am on the honor roll, I also like to party. OK, that's really about it, but I have to pay for school all by myself and I'm not really all that excited about the $76,000 I'll owe after I graduate.

I'd be willing to bet that if you could go back in time and give every student a scholarship who eventually became famous, you would, just so that you could take credit for discovering their talent before the world knew about it. Hence, I want to give you a chance to give me a scholarship so you can take partial credit for whatever it is I do some day that, regardless of what it is, will be pretty damn cool.

I don't care how crazy this sounds, nor do I care that I would have a better chance at starting ahead of William Moore than I do getting school paid for by writing a column. Just please consider giving me free tuition. You have to understand how deflating it is to think about how much money it's going to cost. I'm the kind of guy who rips a napkin in half to make it into two so I can save money on napkins. I'm the kind of guy who drives a car that breaks down an average of twice per outing because as long as it starts back up again, there's no need to fix it. And, paradoxically, I'm also the kind of guy who has no choice but to pay for college by going into mass amounts of debt.

MU has more money than it knows what to do with. There are signs all around campus that say that there has been $900-something million raised with a goal of $1 billion. Why not give back to the students that make it great? You can do it, starting with me.

Think about the positive headlines and publicity you would receive. I could be the poster child for helping students. We could run an ad campaign featuring a huge banner with a picture of me holding a fat wad of cash saying, "Mizzou wants you."

I know there's no way in hell that would ever work, but we could easily think of something.

Take the safe route here. Giving me a scholarship won't really cost you anything. But on the other hand, when I get famous for curing cancer or something and, out of anger from the debt this university put me through, I talk bad about the school on TV, you'll regret not giving me this scholarship.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Sincerely,

Jake Houska