Column:

Saving the world with misguided reality TV

By Charles Austin

Published Sept. 29, 2008

I recently became aware of the MTV show "Exiled," in which girls from the channel's popular "My Super Sweet 16" reality show are sent off to third-world countries for a week in order to gain a better appreciation for both the luxuries of their own lives and the hardships faced by the inhabitants of these other countries. This daring and admittedly intriguing leap into socially conscious reality TV has helped me get the ball rolling on some ideas for reality shows of my own. MTV, if you're reading this (and I know you are), please contact me about any concepts that strike your fancy.

SubHead: "From Brothels to Brooklyn" starring Jay-Z This promising reality drama takes Jay-Z to the streets of Calcutta's red light district, a place notoriously plagued by prostitution and poverty. From Calcutta's seedy brothels, he assembles a cast of 15 children who are doomed to grow up amid agony and adultery. However, if there's one thing that Jay-Z knows best, it's that the streets have produced some of the greatest rappers of all time, and the streets of India are no different. Join Sean "Jigga Man" Carter each week as the children drop their phatest rhymes, their sickest disses and their dopest flows in order to compete for the grand prize: An all-expenses-paid flight to New York, where the lucky winner will sign a $1 million contract with Def Jam and cut a record with Jay-Z himself.

SubHead: "Trading World Leaders" This hilarious, heartwarming new reality show gives you a glimpse of all your favorite presidents, prime ministers and dictators as you've never seen them before: Leading each other's nations! When President George W. Bush and Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki switch places for a month, can Bush stabilize a fledgling democracy while catering to the varied agendas and desires of myriad Islamic sects? And you'll never believe the wacky hijinks that ensue when al-Maliki goes to Crawford, Texas, to clear brush! Then, when Vladimir Putin and Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili swap roles, it's a battle against the clock as Saakashvili tries to pass legislation that would restore control of South Ossetia back to Georgia. But Putin, not to be outdone, starts a war with Russia just days before returning to his role as Russian Prime Minister! Then, in a special two-part episode, hilarity ensues when Uganda is given veto power in the Senate and chooses to veto every decision about everything for no particular reason. But due to a recent scuffle in which Chinese Vice President Dick Cheney shot American Vice President Vincent Siew in the face, the threat of world war is looming ominously on the horizon. Will Uganda grow up in time to allow for U.N. intervention? Or will the world spiral into unmitigated chaos? And, in the riveting season finale, when German Chancellor Angela Merkel becomes the first female president of the United States, can she solve the country's economic crisis and simultaneously avoid Hillary Clinton's vengeance?

SubHead: "Austin Explains it All" In the unlikely event that my reality shows don't get picked up for TV, I am instead going to make my fortune by writing a one-time-only advice column. So here's where you come in, faithful Maneater reader. Are you in debt? Have gas prices got you down? Does your boyfriend not look at you the way he used to? If you answered yes to any of these questions, send your inquiries and problems to the e-mail address printed below my name for a free consultation right here in these hallowed pages.