Column:

Add fat to cigarettes to help smokers quit

By Jacob Houska

Published Sept. 4, 2008

If reading this will mean anything to you, it's probably already too late. So turn the page. Read about the latest thing the administration is doing that we should be pissed off about. Just don't say I didn't try to warn you. By the time he finished what he said was the last cigarette he would ever smoke, he already was searching his wallet for surviving money. Two dollars would probably do the trick. All he wanted was a protein bar. It was the healthy choice. "Why don't you eat something good?" I asked. He looked at me like I just asked for a sponge bath. "This is good. Do you have any idea how many calories are in a burger and fries?" he asked, implying anyone who knows what's good for him would know the answer to that question. "But you smoke like half a pack every day. Do you think that's good for you?" I replied. "Dude, there aren't any calories in cigarettes." That last comment stuck in my head for the rest of the day. I don't need to name all the bad things that ensue after sucking on cancer sticks day after day. I just want to know why healthy people make exceptions for such an unhealthy thing. The last time I checked, lung cancer sucks a lot more than being fat. But nicotine ruins appetites and people know this. This explains why I can name a handful of people who eat strict diets and take heavier doses of vitamins than Hugh Heffner does Viagra, but they still smoke. And ironically, smoking might be the single unhealthiest thing one can (legally) do. This is why I came up with a solution that could cure the worldwide smoking epidemic: Load cigarettes with chemicals that make you really, really hungry. It's a low-risk, high-reward deal. The worst thing that happens is that the U.S. has a couple more fat people. So what? That would be like China having a couple more Chinese people. They'd fit in great. But, on the other hand, the best thing that could happen, and the most probable outcome, is that people will no longer fear gaining weight after quitting smoking, because smoking will make them gain more weight. This would also disarm cigarettes of their most affective weapon: their sneakiness. You don't really see your lungs slowly starting to turn black. And you don't really feel irregular cells multiplying that will probably kill you. But if you start getting fat because of cigarettes, it won't take long to see your pants rip and for you to feel like crap. You might say this is faulty logic, and it would be fighting one disease by giving someone another, but eventually it would pay off. Restaurants and bars would be more tolerable for non-smokers and hospitals would be less frequented by smokers. It's either this or we'll eventually have to set up a system where every third lighter explodes when you try to use it. I suggest we go with this first.