Column:

'College' not worth the time

By Adam Daniels

Published Sept. 4, 2008

This generic film

Wanted to be "Superbad"

In the end it was

This haiku is the maximum number of words of a standard review I'm willing to dedicate to the film "College." Frankly, I just can't put you through it. It'd be like reviewing the Miami Dolphins 2007-2008 football season, and I know your time is valuable.

So I thought we could do something constructive with this space. As mentioned earlier, this film very badly wanted to be "Superbad." It failed quite noticeably, but it made a valiant effort, even replicating the main trio of characters almost to a tee (since I can assume you probably won't see this film, it did in fact have a straight-laced seemingly artsy kid whose two best friends are a pudgy dickish kid and an overly pale awkward smart kid - I couldn't make this stuff up, people). Now, you might say, why even attempt to make another "Superbad"? But I say screw that. "Superbad" was really f'in funny. I would probably be willing to watch a similar movie that was only three-fourths that funny, maybe even half. I didn't give Interpol several benefits of the doubt because I find Paul Banks' voice soothing. I did it because I like Joy Division. But there are certain rules you must follow.

1. Make the comic relief funny.

Not so shockingly, once the fart jokes and fraternity stereotypes were over, the entire comic weight of the film fell on the token fat friend who seems to split his influences between Jonah Hill and Cartman. That is to say, he pulled off being a complete asshole. But there was a reason Jonah Hill pulled this off and you still remember him: Dude was hilarious. Unfortunately, there is no formula for this (sorry, "Family Guy").

2. Give the hook-ups some dose of reality.

Although the homoerotic tension during the escalator goodbye between Jonah Hill and Michael Cera was easily one of the highlights of "Superbad," the pairing off of happy couples that faded into the credits also served as one of its cheesiest moments. But you didn't mind it so much because these relationships were built up in a charming and realistic way. In "College," the girls are just drawn to the "geeky high school kids" for no explicable reason. They don't even have to speak. Although it is fun to see a literal visualization of the "tripped, fell, landed on his dick" joke, this simply doesn't work. If it did, mimes would get hella girls.

3. Have more than one quotable line or catchphrase.

I have plenty of friends who saw "Superbad" just so they could finally understand their friends' conversations. McLovin'. Blow J. The boop thing they do when they touch each other's nose. The girl credited simply as "period blood girl." The only phrase I even remember from "College" is "glow-in-the-dark boner tag." The phrase wasn't even tangentially related to the plot, and that's not necessarily a phrase I want to stick with me.

Best of luck. And may God have mercy on your soul.