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Column: Olympics inspire columnist to compete

By Andrea Fuhrer
Sept. 6, 2008

There's just something about the Olympic Games.

It's that time of the summer when slow chants of "U-S-A" ring in your ears and political campaign ads are outnumbered by McDonald's commercials packed full of elite athletes who probably never touch the food they're promoting. And my favorite: It's a time when people all across America develop an innate interest in sports that they normally couldn't care less about.

I personally take this behavior to an entirely unnecessary level by believing that I should start training in each and every event I watch. It doesn't matter that the last time I swam laps was when I was in swimming lessons (and I made it all the way from "tadpole" to "shark", might I add). When I'm watching Michael Phelps win 956 gold medals, I can't help but feel that I too possess mermaid-like qualities.

And it's even worse when it comes to sports I've previously participated in, such as gymnastics. I was glued to the television like it was providing me with oxygen during the gymnastics competition. No one near me was allowed to speak when the USA gymnasts were performing, and I felt physically ill with nerves while watching Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin. And consequently, I have been practicing my splits and back handsprings ever since. Super cool, I know.

And even when the games aren't influencing me to aspire toward my own Olympic dreams, they're still sending me subconscious messages to get off my ass. Seeing all of those super-fit athletes just makes me feel extra crappy if I don't get up and squeeze out a few crunches during the commercial breaks.

However, there are a few things that seriously annoyed me about the Olympics. For example, I'm pretty sick and tired of hearing about Phelps each time I turn on the television, regardless of what sporting event is being held. I mean, he's clearly spectacular but I think I've been told 122,397 times that he is "built for swimming with the legs of a 6-foot-tall man, the torso of a 6-foot-8 man, and an incredible wingspan." I get it.

I will also not miss hearing over and over again (Michael Phelps won eight gold medals!) how the Chinese gymnasts appear to be two-year-olds in diapers and should lose their medals for being under the age limit. The gymnasts may look like elementary school children, but that doesn't mean that we need to act like whiney elementary school children in response. And finally, I will not (Michael Phelps is good at swimming!) miss having to guess whether I'm watching men's or women's heavyweight weightlifting, because some of those women are just downright frightening (Michael Phelps!).

But, despite its flaws, now that the Olympics have ended I've been left with a horrible void in my life. I've tried to fill it by creating my own version of the games, where I search YouTube for videos of entertaining sports performances, but my hosting skills just aren't on the same level as those of Bob Costas.

So I'll just have to be satisfied with returning to my old television staples (lots of E! and anything with "Law and Order" in the title), and "training" for the 2012 Olympics in London four years from now.

So if you happen to hear some obnoxious thuds coming from my apartment, no worries. I'm just warming up my tumbling passes.

UMSL intersession

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