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Column: Ed Hochuli doesn't believe in titles

Sept. 8, 2008

The opinions expressed by The Maneater columnists do not represent the opinions of The Maneater editorial board.

I watched week one of the National Football League season and the only thing I realized is that human cloning needs to happen now. It's the only way to save the league from bad judgments and insolent players. The answer to the problem is the most definitive and ultimate response in the history of modern argument: NFL referee Ed Hochuli.

Hochuli, a 55-year-old former University of Texas-El Paso linebacker and currently successful Phoenix lawyer and father of six, is all that is man. And he is, without a doubt, the most dangerous man alive.

And as long as Hochuli lives, I fear nothing. Nothing, that is, but Hochuli.

He can kill with a glance, break bones with a punch and he is not afraid to dish out 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalties so harsh they ultimately scare players straight.

Indeed, if Hochuli were the ref of every NFL game, world hunger would be eliminated in a matter of hours. You may ask, "Why is this?"

And while Hochuli is not one for questions, he is one for definitive answers, so here's one: Ed Hochuli said so, and therefore it is.

Ed Hochuli, NFL referee, is not an ordinary mortal. He lifts weights in his sleep and has never been sexually satisfied. He has never met a challenge he couldn't beat and for dinner he only eats the world's finest foods.

His cuisine choices include an entire bull stuffed with corn dogs, carefully placed inside it earlier in the week by punching the breaded frankfurter through the skin and into the body. This process is so revolutionary it is called "Hochulizing," and it happens so fast that the impact of the punch will not be felt by the cows until they drop dead later in the week.

You may be surprised that he can do this, but it is not uncommon for Hochuli to defy the laws of modern science. This is what is known as the Hochuli Effect, and it is how numerous NFL players have died, only to be covered up by the police as pedestrian and tragic.

They are indeed tragic, but not pedestrian by any means. They are Hochulian.

Ed also can take sorrow out of the widows and mourning girlfriends of these players by placing his hands over their bellybutton. There he sucks out the sorrow by a method he developed hanging out in an Albuquerque YMCA.

Beating Ed Hochuli in a game of "Mortal Combat 3" is the only 100 percent effective and Food and Drug Administration approved cure for herpes.

Sometimes when Hochuli gets angry, he hands out holding penalties to the entire world. This is what is known as having a bad day. They happen to all of us, and the only way to avoid them is to be Ed Hochuli.

Ed Hochuli defines masculinity. He was a man before he was born, and was already building his legacy by the time that chump Chuck Norris got a bunch of Ivy Leaguers to kiss his ass.

Ed Hochuli makes the guy from the Dos Equis commercials look like a punk-ass.

Hochuli wears the number 85 on his referee jersey because that is the approximate circumference, in inches, of each of his biceps. No one knows what the circumference is for sure because every tape measurer that has been wrapped around his arms has exploded due to tension. Manly tension.

It is also coincidental that Ed Hochuli wears 85 on the back of his uniform, because that is the exact number of people he has killed by accidentally touching them.

Sometimes, for no apparent reason, Hochuli emits lasers from the palms of his hands.

Then again, with Ed Hochuli, everything happens for a reason. So we should all fear the lasers. And henceforth Ed Hochuli.

He is fear itself, and that is an automatic first down.

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