Column:

(Un)friendly fans

When the game is on, friends are sports fans first.

By Mark Levitt

Published Jan. 22, 2009

Sports fans make the worst friends. Not only do they not console you after a tough loss but instead go out of their way to make sure you are as miserable as humanly possible.

I spent my winter break catching up with friends from home over a healthy dose of bowl games and college basketball. A native St. Louisan misplaced in Chicago, Cubs fans and students from the University of Illinois surrounded me. (Yes, it is tough being surrounded by inferior people.) I made the mistake of inviting my Illini buddies over to watch the Missouri-Illinois basketball game at the end of December.

The actual game was unbearable. Illinois smoked the Tigers 75-59. They played their worst game of the season on the biggest stage they had been on to that point. Pathetic. It was enough to ruin my mood for the rest of the night.

Yet it was my close, loving friends that pushed me to the edge. It was Matt, Ben and Colin who so nicely moved me from a gloomy mood to I-want-to-throw-a-brick-through-the-television angry. The three of them represent the different personalities of sports fans that inspired me to write this article. Thanks for the motivation, guys.

Matt takes the "I'm going to act like a nice guy but really am just trying to piss you off" approach to pissing me off. He's the guy who calls you just to find out the score when he knows your team of interest already lost. He wants you to relive the loss one more time yet do it in a way in which he doesn't come off looking like a jerk. Noble of him.

If there were a mascot for the world of sports fans who make their friends miserable, it would be Ben. He is obnoxious, goofy and funny-looking. There are few people I hate more when rooting against each other. Every time the Illini hit a 3-pointer or Missouri turned the ball over, he would turn around and try to catch my eye with a smile on his face. And when I return his look with a loving finger, he'd crack up like he just told the funniest joke of all-time. By the end of the game I wanted to nothing more than to knock his stupid smile off of his face.

Colin makes the other two look like amateurs. Not only is he ruthless, but he's also smart, knowing how to push the buttons of the sports fan he is trying to irritate. At halftime of the basketball game, he walked up to me with a wide smile, stuck out his hand for a high five and said "Good half! Good half!" When the Astros beat the Cardinals in the 2005 Major League Baseball playoffs, I received a "consoling" call from him within two minutes of the final out. If I can help it, I will never watch a game with Colin in which we have conflicting interests ever again.

The irony is two of my biggest passions in life are my friends and sports. Ben's picked me up from the airport. Matt's brought me dinner when I didn't feel well. I've cried to Colin about a girl. I could never do without them, just like I could never do without the Tigers or the Cardinals. Plus, when push comes to shove, I'll just call and ask them which bowl game Illinois was in this year or when the last time the Cubs won the World Series. The sound of a phone clicking off will never be sweeter.