Column: You stay classy, America
Published Jan. 26, 2009
Shock! Gasp! It's a column about the inauguration! Where the hell did I come up with such an original, groundbreaking, totally unused idea? I amaze myself.
For me, watching the inaugural ceremony was all about transitions. It was about more than watching this country transition away from poorly planned wars, jacking off Wall Street under the table and the federal government wiretapping my uterus. That era's gone. Thank God. President Barack Obama's inauguration signified the era into which this country is transitioning. And that era is really, really classy.
There's no other way to describe it. Even some of the most overlooked parts of Tuesday's affair sent a message to all Americans that "Yes We Can" conduct ourselves with a little more grace and a little less, well, redneck.
Need proof? I thought you'd never ask!
For starters, first lady Michelle Obama's dress was a beacon of hope for women. And I'm not superficial enough to ever say a woman's worth is determined through her clothing. That's ridiculous.
But throughout the campaign season, I wanted to steal Michelle Obama's wardrobe as much as I wanted her husband to make it to the White House. And sure enough, she didn't disappoint Tuesday morning. Her light green dress and matching coat added the perfectly colorful pop to a freezing January morning.
What's more, it was super classy. Embellishments such as a jeweled neckline and ribbon belting her waist proved to the dozens of skanks outside Campus Bar and Grill on any given Thursday that it is possible to look good and be protected from hypothermia at the same time. Sure, that low-cut mini-dress will get you attention and it will probably even get your underage friend into the bar with you to down endless triple wells but, remember, the attention you're getting is from people such as me who are quietly laughing at you when your drunk ass falls on the ice in high heels.
I'm all for women being able to express themselves through whatever clothes they choose to wear, but I don't think there's any harm in taking a hint from the new first lady, if only for safety's sake during this harsh winter. Your circulatory system can thank me later.
Besides, you probably won't have to worry about this bundling up in winter bullshit much longer. At the rate global warming is progressing, winter probably won't be around in a few decades. Then, when the sun comes up on some future January morning, you can step outside in a bikini and flip flops and know there is barely enough breathable ozone left to keep you alive, but damn does it make for a balmy afternoon to work on your tan.
But until the atmosphere craps out on us, I can only hope our new president offers as much class to the nation as his wife can in a few pieces of fabric. And to be honest, I'm completely optimistic that he can deliver because Obama's journey to the White House was built on hope. Despite what the skeptics say about this idea being intangible and naïve, having hope in something means you have a sense of direction and a motivation to accomplish the goals you've set out for in hopefulness. Those accomplishments are very real.