Column:
Pros, cons of potential new Blago
Rick Astley would make a better governor than Blagojevich.
Published Jan. 29, 2009
As an Illinoisan-recently-turned-Missouri-resident, my attention has gone from the inaugural festivities and back to the ever-downward spiraling clusterfuck that is the impeachment trial of Gov. Rod Blagojevich.
While Blagojevich has chosen to rub elbows with Whoopi and Sherri Shepherd instead of showing up to his own trial, the fairness of the trial itself is being called into question. But ethics aside, the Illinois General Assembly convicted Da Governor and voted to remove him from office.
Although now Gov. Pat Quinn has taken Blago's spot, I would like to offer up a few suggestions that would have been good for his replacement, including some more esteemed, successful Illinois residents who will hopefully make the nation forget that we've had two governors in a row in the hot seat on corruption charges:
'80s pop sensation Rick Astley
Pros: Already winning massive public support and is reaching the young people via Facebook. Great radio voice. Knows how to use the Internet to his advantage. And unlike Blago, he's never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
Cons: Not actually a U.S. citizen.
Former Chicago Bears football coach Mike Ditka
Pros: Would have tremendous public support before entering office, because people in the state are fiercely loyal to Da Coach. Has some prior political experience from his almost-Senate run in 2004. Virtually unbeatable.
Cons: None, unless his opponent were a hurricane... named Hurricane Ditka.
Oprah Winfrey
Pros: Has already done great things for the state. Could stimulate a struggling economy by encouraging increased production and purchasing of her "Favorite Things." Can promise residents "a car in every garage" and mean it. Has an in with President Barack Obama. Trusted enough that she was going to be offered a Senate seat, apparently.
Cons: Would have to renege on the car promise because by the time she actually takes office, there will be no American auto industry. Also, Lt. Governor Gayle King.
Kanye West
Pros: Since he puts on for his city (on, on for his city), one can only assume he would also put on for his state. Would pull the state out of debt thanks to an increase in sales of shutter shades.
Cons: Blago-level delusions of grandeur. Would give gubernatorial speeches in AutoTune.
"America's Next Top Model" winner Adrianne Curry
Pros: Fierceness. Could win over "family values" crowd by being married to a former Brady. Already supported Illinois businesses by posing nude for Playboy.
Cons: "Governor" and "Celebreality" should never, ever appear on the same resume.
But whether Blago is innocent or guilty (and regardless of what we may think, he is still innocent until proven guilty), what all of us-Missouri residents, Illinoisans and from everywhere else can learn from this whole Blago fiasco is the importance, especially now, of keeping an eye on what elected officials at the state and local levels are doing.
Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon isn't Blago and Missouri isn't Illinois, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be vigilant and demand solutions when something goes awry. On Tuesday night, Nixon listed a number of his proposals during his State of the State address, many of which are thrown into a precarious position with the tremendous deficit he has inherited and a General Assembly full of his opponents. While it won't end in an arrest, the environment Nixon is working with is a volatile one, and it's our job to stay informed and hold both the governor and the MOGA accountable. Also, for those of you -- even those of you from out-of-state-who haven't started paying attention to state and local politics -- now would be a good time.
And Adrianne, if you're looking for a speechwriter, I'm willing and more than available. Call me.
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