Column:
Rihanna shows courage in interview
Published Nov. 10, 2009
The American Bar Association states one in five high school women report being either physically and/or sexually abused by a relationship partner. The inclusion of the word "report" allows the number to potentially be higher because survivors of these types of violence often don't report it.
Women who should be playing lacrosse, soccer, basketball or nothing, should be learning calculus, loving science, hating science, reading history, watching television or eating junk food are instead forced to deal with the trauma of relationship and sexual violence. This is disturbing. All too often, those who are not directly involved in the situation ignore these stories.
But in the past year, the topic of domestic violence in general and relationship violence against young women has been thrust into the media glare. Yes, I'm talking about Rihanna and Chris Brown. After months of keeping her silence, while Brown cavorted over talk shows, tweets and apology tracks, Rihanna spoke up this week, sitting down with Diane Sawyer on "20/20."
I'd like to give Rihanna a round of applause. Talking about relationship and partner violence is undoubtedly a terrifying thing for a survivor. To have this talk knowing millions of fans, journalists, foes and lowly feminist college paper opinion columnists are waiting to dissect your every word can only add stress.
I think it is important to allow all survivors of intimate partner violence tell their stories. An important part of abusers' behavior is control, and in hearing these stories, it is important to give the survivors control over their own stories. Disclaimers aside, Rihanna was articulate, brave and inspiring on "20/20." Nothing she said was from the perfect can of PR statements.
It was clear she still had a lot of healing to do, and, quite frankly, I found that inspirational. It is unfair Rihanna, who went through publicly what sadly occurs frequently behind closed doors, is forced into the role of "abused singer." At times you can hear the burden in her words. For example, she talked about fearing young girls in abusive relationships would stay or return to their boyfriends after seeing her brief reconnection with Brown. It is an unfair burden, being a woman who is clearly still in the healing process herself but one she bears gracefully.
Brown spoke (again) to the media this week in a sit-down interview with MTV's Sway. He, on the other hand, does not seem to understand that in no way, shape or form does he have ownership over any victimhood. He spends most of the interview illuminating the hurt he feels over people who just don't like him anymore after what he calls a mistake. Relationship and intimate partner violence is not a mistake. Failing a test is a mistake. Drinking a little too much on a weeknight is a mistake. Using violence as a means to control someone is not.
I'm not sure what I would want to hear from an abuser on a public forum such as MTV, but I am positive I would not want to hear it so soon. Words mean little, as Rihanna proved through her characterization of their relationship. If Brown truly understands the magnitude of his actions, then he would know now is not the time. An afternoon of picking up litter on the side of the road, an auto-tuned apology and six months of therapy does not make a reformation. Unlike Rihanna, he is not in the position to make demands of the public nor to offer advice for those in these situations. It will be a long time before (if ever) he will be.