Column: What does your 'Rock Band' choice say about you?

By Stephanie Levy

Published Feb. 16, 2009

This story starts with a batch of brownies and ends with my boyfriend in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. And surprisingly enough, there's a moral to it. I'm not going to try and make any grandiose statements about sex, drugs or the human psyche with this story. I'm aiming much, much lower.

Specifically, the moral of this story revolves around the video game "Rock Band."

I've never been a huge fan of video games in general. I have the hand-eye coordination of Amy Winehouse sans crack pipe. But games such as "Rock Band" and "SingStar" (on which I'm still undefeated) gave me my first real gaming outlet because they don't rely on the ability to move a button left and right with no real significance. Rather, it assumes you're a cocky enough human being to try feats such as hitting a Whitney Houston high note in a room full of all your friends (I can't).

As luck would have it, on that fateful night, the entertainment at my friend's party, besides a Beagle who howled along to a Lou Reed song, was a marathon of "Rock Band." We strummed, drummed and sang our way to getting booed out of nearly every song in the game. And I learned you could tell a lot about a person by the instrument they choose in "Rock Band."

1. Guitar: You're the diva of the bunch. Still jaded from your failed attempt to seduce Susie Stein with your brother's guitar at sleepaway camp, this is your next available outlet.

2. Bass: Bassists are very consistent, almost boring people. Not much about what they have to do throughout the song changes. Just keep tempo for the other members of your band and try not to screw it up. Even the bass solos are a complete joke because they come at the end of the song and aren't worth any points. Keep the bassist at your party where he or she belongs, in the back of the crowd and way off to the side so they have to read a color-warped version of the TV screen.

3. Drums: Hello? Can you hear me there off in you own little world? Drummers tend to be the most psychotic of the bunch, and whether that state of mania is attained through drink, drugs or plain ol' delirium, expect a good time from this guy.

4. Vocals: You're a mix of guitar cocky and your own special brand of creativity and sensitivity. Granted, it takes balls to attempt an Eddie Vedder voice if you're, say, a vertically challenged white chick. But unlike the rest of the band, you have to worry about far more than twiddling some piece of plastic. Your body is literally your instrument, so even though the possibilities are limitless, when your instrument breaks, it hurts the most. Also, I will never say anything bad about you. Because I usually grab the microphone at the start of "Rock Band" and, let's face it, I'm awesome.

Of course, anyone could look at this and say, "But these are snap judgments. Why should I take them seriously?" Answer: you shouldn't. But next time you're playing "Rock Band" with a jilted attention-grubbing whore, a questionably blacked-out kid, a loner who doesn't talk and myself, maybe you'll think twice.