Column: A message from Kappa Beta: Do your research
Published Feb. 23, 2009
You prance around on the page next to me sporting glasses and a faux fro, carrying a headline of "Obama this" or "freshman that" or whatever. But I am not only mocking today. I am going to remind you (stupid, stereotypical) freshman hipster how you've fucked up miserably. Journalist? If regurgitating hearsay counts, you're set.
For one, the pretentious, judgmental manner needs to go. You have the opportunity to spark meaningful conversation among readers through a classic form of mass communication. Instead, you have entire columns full of baseless and false assumptions about a Greek system that sounds more like something out a shitty tween movie than the actual diverse and driven Greek population at MU. That's what you're about? Stereotype nearly one-third of your audience, avoid fact checking like the plague, repeat? Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Do your research. Freak out the fraternity boys with news you're actually doing something constructive by researching the different philanthropic events they have throughout the year. You probably didn't know one of the fraternities at MU has the most successful Greek fundraiser in the country, did you? I'm giving you a homework assignment. Find out which one it is and let me know by next Tuesday.
In college, you have to read. Scary, I know, but try it. You might learn something. A good place to start is this publication! For instance, in the same issue of your naïve, superficial rant, another article ran about plans to encourage more participation in Greek Week from the National Panhellenic Council and the Multicultural Greek Council. Now, this is probably way over your head, so let me give you a quick overview. Greek Week's most important component is community service. As a former member of a sorority (full of classy, intelligent women) I was responsible for recruiting women to participate in Greek Week volunteer projects such as Special Olympics and had to turn volunteers away because too many people wanted to sign up. NPHC is comprised of historically African-American fraternities and sororities, and MGC is the umbrella organization for a plethora of Greek organizations that cater to various ethnicities, religions and sexual orientation; both of these organizations state cultural awareness, unity and service as their top priorities.
Mind-fucked yet? Because this sure doesn't sound like the same group of students who you believe are "teaching (their) initiates the proper technique to do a keg stand or the extended rules of beer pong."
And for the record, I never learned how to do a keg stand, and I suck at beer pong. You'll learn this turn-of-phrase sooner rather than later: when you assume you make an ASS of U and ME. You made an ass of yourself by blatantly ignoring the good in the Greek system in favor of clichéd generalizations that are not insightful, funny or true. And you've made an ass of me by forcing me to do twice the work I signed on to do when I took this job. I just wanted to write witty, whimsical analysis about Michelle Obama, puppies and "Rock Band," and now I have to make sure the dumbass freshman knows what he's talking about? I deserve a raise.