Column: How to succeed in the recession without really trying
Published Feb. 3, 2009
The economy's in the shitter, children. The hiring freeze at MU means I might not get paid for writing this but it beats paying attention in class, so fuck it. My boyfriend just got fired from his job at another major university in the state. Some poor schmuck in Illinois is out the half million dollars he promised to ex-Gov. Rod Blagojevich for that open Senate seat. Burn.
And it seems the federal government doesn't really know or care how to solve the problems of the average hurting American. With the passage of the Wall Street bailout, Congress placed a $2,300 burden on every man, woman and child to save a bunch of overpaid, oversexed brokers still coked out from the '80s. $2,300 is just shy of the total scholarship I receive to go to MU every year. You would think Congress would see investing in my education as slightly more important compared to some old guy's golden parachute.
So what's a broke-ass college student to do? I've been thinking about ways to help my friends and most importantly me fight through these hard times. And I think I figured it out:
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Marry into the Big Three: When I was applying to college, believe it or not MU wasn't my first choice. I originally wanted to go to two other private universities that were much more Northeastern and much more Jewish. My mother took this as a sign from God and literally instructed me to "hang around outside the medical and law libraries, see if you can't pick up a nice Jewish boy," should I attend one of these schools. At first I thought she was just whoring me out, but now I see the truth. It was totally OK she was whoring me out because now that there's such an epic gap between rich and poor in this country, we're probably going to redevelop the caste system anyway, so use your assets to get ahead! Ladies and gentlemen, any CEO of a company that just got bailed out by Congress for a billion or more is an eligible bachelor. My goal is nabbing the CEO of AIG. At least you know that would be one badass reception.
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Become an Internet sensation any way you can: The Web is a smorgasbord full of free escapism and ignorant people willing to pay for that escapism even when it's not really necessary. Exploit them a little. Hook up that Web cam and make your own movie magic. Then link the shit out of it. Also, it seems ironic to me some of the most prosperous people during this economic recession are people on the Internet bitching about the recession! The Web site Gawker seems to have a new article every day about some newspaper that is laying people off or some company laying off a small-town branch so the executives can jet to Cabo San Lucas for the weekend. Someone has to write those articles. Why not you?
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Expatriate: With the dollar's worth dropping faster than Jennifer Aniston's goals in life, now's the perfect time to plan that trip to destinations which were previously deemed to expensive, like Europe. According to the exchange rate, $1 is worth about 1.3 Euro, a massive upgrade from the near 100 percent exchange difference about a year ago. I'm already stoked to take advantage of this one when I study abroad in Paris. Wine, cheese and hot soccer players with accents at a fraction of the price? Au revoir, y'all!