Column:

Obama plates, dildos stabilizing economy

By Charles Austin

Published Feb. 3, 2009

Over the past few months President Barack Obama's plan to save the economy has become painfully clear, and it seems to be working. I can't go to the bookstore without seeing 36 new books about him, and I can't watch TV without being tempted to purchase a commemorative plate with his face on it. There are Barack Obama T-shirts, hats, posters, coins, key chains, tote bags, water bottles and yes, even Barack Obama dildos. Seriously.

With such a wide selection of hope-inspiring merchandise, Obama is second only to Hello Kitty for the sheer amount of useless crap that has his face on it. I can only imagine the ludicrous supply of this stuff means that people are buying it, which can only be a good thing in these tough economic times.

But clearly the market has continued to decline, with tens of thousands of jobs lost even within the past week. So I propose a sort of New Deal for the Age of Obama, a deal that will employ millions and restore luster to our withered economy.

I am going to put a bill before Congress that, when passed, would require every state to open at least a hundred factories solely for the manufacturing of Obama-branded products, made right here in the good ol' US of A. We could put our entire jobless population to work making Obama dolls, video games, basketballs, cars, chairs, beds, you name it. If it has a surface, we can find a way to put his face on it.

This will be a boon to the science industry also, as we could employ a crack team of scientists and astronomers to figure out a way to carve Obama's face into the moon with a high-powered laser. Not only would this eclipse the accomplishments of JFK's space program, it would drive up sales of Obama products all around the world, as everybody from students in Brussels to Verizon Wireless customer service representatives in Calcutta would be unable to escape his glowing message of hope emanating down from the moon. Soon, in the same way Ivan Pavlov got dogs to salivate when they heard a bell, the entire world population will clamor for Obama merchandise when they watch Moonraker or listen to Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to the Moon."

Republicans on Capitol Hill have been in a rage over Obama's proposed $800 billion stimulus package, claiming it's bloated and full of frivolous allocations of government money. But I say let him put as many earmarks as he wants in there, just so long as they all involve stamping his face onto something.

Four years from now we'll look back on these hard times and laugh as we fork over $5 for an Obama Burger at the local drive-thru. The cashier will hand back some change through the window of our electric car, which puts NASCAR to shame with its countless Obama endorsements and slogans. Then, because we're nice, we point out to the cashier that she handed back a $5 bill, which should have only been a single. She will laugh and apologize, and remark that sometimes she gets confused, since both bills have Obama's face on them. This will prompt us to think about 2009, just for a moment. We'll remember when Lincoln was on the five and remember when the economy wasn't doing so well, but then we'll remember the man who made all this possible, and we'll never forget him. We couldn't if we tried.