Column:

MU admin, stop with the hypocrisy

By Jacob Houska

Published March 12, 2009

To: Office of the Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs

Cc: Mizzou Alumni Association

Subject: Let's Party

To Whom It May Concern:

There are few people on the planet more interested in hypocrisy than a conservative columnist for a liberal student newspaper. Yet the most blatant act of hypocrisy I've ever been a part of is enduring the rules that effect normal students' lives the most. I have one question for those who are supposedly in charge of what we're allowed to do:

Why can't you just let us party?

All of you went to college (hopefully), and I'm sure many of you got your diplomas right here, yet none of you seem to even remotely understand the culture on this campus. This school is absolutely not a school for smart people. There are plenty of smart people at this school, but it is by no means a smart-person school.

Understand where I'm going with this? People here like to party.

You made us a dry campus in 2001. That was a sweet idea. Instead, the most popular extracurricular activities have been the much of the same, only a lot less legal.

What you people created with the blind, stupid decisions you made sitting behind your desks is the notion that money is the exclusive force pushing your decisions.

We're no strangers to this idea, because one way or another, money is the influential force behind every decision school officials make, but this time you crossed the line. Jack up student fees, whatever; we'll just take out more student loans. But try to limit our drinking and you, my friend, just crossed the line.

You say this is a dry campus, but what about the rich alumni with their massive tailgates set up in front of Faurot Field, next to Stankowski Field and in residence hall parking lots? They can break any and every rule, so long as it's a game day and they donate enough money.

Football games make you money, drunk people go to football games and those people get drunk at tailgate parties. I think I'm on to something.

Yet you still shut down any big student-run tailgates.

Good bye Frat Pit, hello nice little cops handing out cute little minor in possession charges like Michael Jackson would hand out free piggyback rides in a preschool. I'm sure those cops hammered down beers underage in the exact same spot they arrest people for doing so. Actually, I bet they had a better spot, because back in the day, it wasn't against the rules to have a good party. Only difference is, now they are getting paid. Making money doesn't excuse poor morals.

But OK, if it makes you money, you look the other way. I get that. What about Homecoming? Students literally give you blood, money and tears for this event. Greek chapters spend around $15,000 per pairing on Homecoming, and there are 13 pairings.

Rachel Talbott, the Boone County representative for the American Red Cross, said 4,006 units of blood were collected at last year's Homecoming Blood Drive. That's 500 gallons of human blood, and it has the potential to save 12,006 lives.

Should we drink to that?

You advertise Homecoming as being the best and first ever, and brag about how MU is the birthmother of all "homecoming" events in America. So students make it great again, and you respond swiftly with, "Sorry kids, we just took your money and you just devoted ridiculous hours to making this happen, but we're not going to reward you with anything real. How 'bout a plaque for the organization that did the best job?"

Thanks. We'll hang it next to a gold-plated urinal in a girls' bathroom so people can try to deliberate which was the bigger waste of money.

One way or another, there is a massive problem, and it is staring students with a social life in the face, screaming at them. We spend like 20 grand to take your overpriced classes, so give us a break. Let's be realistic here; there used to be a bar on campus, and alumni who donate enough money enjoy the special treatment right in front of our faces. Then those same alumni enjoy the tireless efforts from students who continue to improve their alma mater's reputation. Not coincidentally, MU is a stronger academic institution today than ever before. Not because of you, because of us.

You're welcome. Now go grab me a beer.