Column:

Limitedness could make fast food more appealing

McRibs, Volcano Tacos and Shamrock Shakes are popular at limited times.

By Charles Austin

Published March 2, 2009

The world of fast food is an ever-changing panorama of delightful culinary sensations. As efficient as fast food restaurants might be, in today's workaday world there just isn't time to keep all the items on the menu at once. Fast food restaurants are always inventing new, exotic delicacies, only to take them off the menu a few weeks later.

Limited edition fast foods are a lot like Disney masterpieces, constantly rotated in and out of the Disney vault for the simple fact that the American people are not yet ready to purchase "The Fox and the Hound" at the same time as "Peter Pan."

But I have faith the American people are ready for more limited edition foods. So this week, as a public service to you, the faithful and hungry Maneater reader, I've taken it upon myself to critique some of the finest limited edition fast food to ever grace the human stomach.

The McRib is the king of all limited-time-only fast food deals, as elusive as it is delicious. Since its introduction in 1981, the McRib has inspired a generation of poets, musicians and heart surgeons with its euphoria-inducing barbecue sauce and artery clogging boneless pork patty. This heavenly delicacy takes two of the finest white bread buns and packs in precooked, reheated ribs that possibly were part of an animal once. The moment this astounding sandwich meets your lips, you are immediately conscious of a higher calling. You are no longer a worthless slob eating sub-par meat. No, you are part of a movement, a cultural phenomenon beyond the scope of human comprehension. And that's just the first bite. The McRib delivers mind-expanding taste revelations with each subsequent savory morsel, inspiring the kind of fervent passion that drove the god Apollo to chase the nymph Daphne until she was turned into a Laurel tree.

The Taco Bell Volcano Taco, introduced in 2008, packs everything you love about a regular Taco Bell taco into an exciting new tortilla shell artificially dyed the hottest color on the planet: red. I don't think I am being hyperbolic when I say that the Volcano Tacos are among the reddest tacos this country has ever seen. Fans of the color red were abuzz with delight over this delectable, authentic Mexican-style dish.

And lastly, I would be remiss if I didn't touch on McDonald's Shamrock Shake, a perennial favorite of leprechauns and syrup enthusiasts alike. Technically a drink, this shake is so thick that nine out of 10 McDonald's customers confused it for a hamburger in blind taste tests. An average Shamrock Shake packs enough syrup to give an African elephant diabetes. The Shamrock Shake has a well-documented history of causing most consumers to speak in tongues for weeks after taking even a single sip. This was a problem for McDonald's, as customers could no longer speak clearly enough to order more Shamrock Shakes, so the formula has been diluted in recent years.

As Sean Nahlik proved conclusively with his adroit investigative journalism, the Greek community here at MU never does anything productive, ever. So this week, I ask the Greek students at this fine university to rally behind a worthy cause for once in their lives -- getting fast food restaurants to make these delicious dishes available 24/7, 365 days a year. As students at a first-rate university, we have an obligation to provide a better future for ourselves and our children, a future where we are undaunted by heart attacks, diabetes and poor physical health, a future where we continue to stuff our faces with the limited edition foods that make us proud to be American.