Column:

This headline now belongs to Pepsi

Renaming and rebranding products never turns out well.

By Charles Austin

Published March 30, 2009

Shakespeare once posited that "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet," but I think if a rose had a different name nobody would give a shit. Pretty much everything seems to be in the process of a renaming today. The Sears Tower is supposed to become the Willis Tower, and the Freedom Tower that's supposed to replace the World Trade Center is now simply known as One World Trade Center.

But of course, Comiskey Park is supposed to be U.S. Cellular Field, and GCB is now Strickland Hall and Big 12 is Campus Bar and Grill. I probably don't need to clarify that everyone still calls those buildings by their old names. Which is exactly why, if someone trademarked roses and changed their name to, say, The Pepsi Flower, I doubt anyone would actually call them that.

Sometimes new names don't stick because they're just plain stupid. U.S. Cellular Field is a terrible name, and not even because it's a thinly veiled attempt at advertising a phone company but because it's simply an uninspired, bland brand name.

Other times, names don't stick because people are stubborn. Strickland Hall is actually a better name than GCB, but generally I think the name change isn't important enough for everybody to take note of it. The function of the building is exactly the same no matter what it's called, and there's no logical reason to prefer one name more than the other.

In general, everyone has learned to avoid advertisements, be they commercials or the name of their favorite team's stadium. Recently, the National Football League has been considering adding advertisements to players' jerseys, which would be tacky for a season or two, and then I think we'd all just stop noticing.

NASCAR has been reaping the benefits of this phenomenon for years. I doubt the average NASCAR fan is any more likely to buy Tide bleach or Honey Nut Cheerios than a non-NASCAR fan, although these images are etched into a NASCAR enthusiast's brain for hours on end.

Which is why I really can't blame anyone for selling the names of their buildings. And in fact, I strongly encourage every enterprising Maneater reader to search for a sponsor for his or her own apartment or residence hall room. Beginning April 15, I am proud to announce that I will officially be living in The Pepsi Center. Coke products will no longer be allowed on the premises, but otherwise nothing has changed.

The introduction of The Pepsi Center is win-win for Pepsi and me. They get much-needed ad space, and I will finally have the funding I need to build The Pepsi Digital Entertainment Multimedia Room, featuring 5.1 Dolby digital surround sound, PlayStation 3, a 46 inch flat screen HDTV and Pepsi branded chairs with built-in drink holders specially engineered by Pepsi scientists to hold Pepsi and Pepsi-related products.

The only way I see all this backfiring is if I ever have to enter a witness protection program. Under the funding of Pepsi, I would move to the west coast, grow a mustache and change my name to something exciting, such as Edgar Gonzalez. For extra security, I would name my new home The Coca-Cola Center.

But I'm pretty sure everyone would continue to call me by my original, admittedly more awesome name, and soon enough the serial killer and/or Cambodian drug lord I was fleeing from will trace me to my home and kill me. When this happens, it will be bad publicity for Coca-Cola, making Pepsi the real winner here.